- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Internet Ad Bot Presents: Male Gamers Only
Attention male gamers: we want you. Come play our game filled with anatomically unrealistic elves with bosoms so big they can't be contained by their fragile bodices. Feel free to be your normal unbearable selves without the judging eyes of feminists on you. All those icky flesh and blood vaginas and boobies aren't welcome here. This is a playground for real men.
Attention female gamers: get the fuck out. If you have the audacity to join our manly manshoot, we'll ostracize you immediately. We'll proposition the fuck out of you, you bitch/whore/cunt. This is a man's world, baby, just like James Brown said, and we will lay the smack down on any woman who thinks she can play with the big boys. Tired of the verbal abuse? Well tough shit. That's just the internet. You can't control the internet, honey. The internet is the last bastion of free speech and male rights. It's the wild-freaking-west. So you better pack your six shooter, lady. Otherwise you're getting gunned down.
By the way, don't even think about making games. Developers think like us. Women are decorations, pretty objects to be obtained. You want a female playable character? Hah. What a joke. You see, we do this complex (and totally unnecessary) motion capture thing with all of our male actors/characters, and it just wasn't designed to handle the female body. It would literally explode. Do you want to cause all of our deaths with your clamoring for female characters? Hell, the computers just aren't designed to handle it. You put anything but a chiseled white male protagonist in our game, the code will fly off the screen like in the Matrix. We got a good thing going here, and we don't want to fuck it up.
Women should go back to knitting or the kitchen. Cooking is a good hobby. Leave the advanced electronic entertainment to the boys. We need a place to let loose our stifled vocabulary. Some place to let out the racial slurs. All the feminists have all ready taken everything from us. We're deprived and unable to be ourselves.
So male gamers only, okay? We can leave our friends and society behind and build a new life, one filled with plastic-eyed, melon breasted objects of our desire. We can circle jerk each other off here, away from the prying eyes of those who would oppress us. Keep the girls out. They have cooties.
Ad bot ending transmission...