Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Least Interesting Man in the World


So how about that weather, huh? Sure is nice and humid outside. I took myself out for my morning stroll, and after just a few minutes I was pouring sweat something awful, and I had to change out of my white dress shirt and put on a new tie. Could use a few more dress shirts, to tell you the truth. But I just can't stomach going to the store.

Well say, that was awfully negative of me, wasn't it? I don't want you fellas getting the impression that I dislike the store. All those crowds of people, bunched together, moving like a herd of bison--oh, yes sir, that's just fine and dandy with me. Not a touch of anxiety do I feel. It's not normal, after all, to be uncomfortable around groups of people, and if I'm anything, I'm one normal guy. One terribly square, normal guy.

Boy, I just keep making those comments today! Something must have gotten me in a sour mood! I'm not usually this negative a nancy, though I remember the boys calling me that in grade school. Those rascals! Children lack the self-awareness to realize what pain they can cause. Either that, or they just don't care.

I tried to have a talk with a young gentleman yesterday. He was strolling down the side walk, clad in black clothing like some kind of ghoul, his hair dyed black, with a ring sticking out of his nose like an African tribesman! Have you ever heard of anything so outlandish? I took him aside and asked him if he wanted to join the circus, and he gave me a look that said "Don't I wish, Mr," but the words that actually came out of his mouth said "stay away from me, dude." Young people today, I think they have a lot of personal problems. Probably all of that MTV and internet stuff. That's cultural detritus, lemme tell you. I stay away from all of that.

Had a little bit of trouble at the office today. I came in, fifteen minutes early, like I always do, but for once, I decided to have just one more cup of coffee in the break room, instead of starting my work early. Greg from Accounting and Ahmed from Tech Support were standing next to one another, shooting the breeze, and I, desiring some male companionship, strode over and asked them what, exactly, was up. "Check out Lindsay," said Greg, making motions with his eyes, and I glanced over at said female. "What am I looking for, gentlemen?" I asked. Ahmed made a cupping motion with his hands, and I realized they were referring to Lindsay's breasts. "Didn't she just have a baby?" I inquired, which must've been the wrong thing to say, because both of them looked at me like I just suggested we go into the bathroom and shoot up some hard drugs. "You're hopeless," said Greg, and I kind of know what he means.


It's not easy, you know, trying to please everyone. I told my main squeeze Juanita this. "We have to break up," was the next thing she said. Well ain't that a kick in the pants! Really, I can see why I'm in such a foul mood. Today was one more horrible day in a lifetime of horrible days.

But you know what? I can't let one bad day get me down in the dumps, no sir! Not even a hundred! There's plenty to be optimistic about! The sky isn't falling, for instance, and I have a low interest rate on my mortgage. There's still some tobacco left for my pipe, my one vice, and that evening chair is looking mighty comfortable. A man might be able to get a good night's rest in it. If the dreams don't keep him awake, that is.

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