- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Internet Ad Bot Presents: Hot Sexy Singles
AD BOT STARTING TRANSMISSION...
Meet sexy singles looking for love! Single mothers, fat chicks, divorcees! They all need love. Every single one of them. No one must go unloved. It wouldn't be right.
We are going to show you this same blurry picture of a MILF we stole off of Facebook in just about every one of our advertisements. She's still single and raring to go, and despite the incongruities between her picture and the actual physical being, we feel justified in using her distorted image in all of our ads, because, hell, if you're looking for internet love, you must be one desperate bastard.
Moms want to be fucked too! Did you know this? That's how they got to be moms in the first place! Now that they've popped out a child or two, they still need loving, and only you can provide it! We have a registered data base where we keep every single mother in the country on file. It's super secret. We know which ones are horny. Please give us money and we will tell you.
Did you know the definition of "sexy" is quite subjective, and not at all set in stone? What one person finds attractive, another might find disgusting. We look to appeal to all people, but mostly lonely men looking for noncommittal relationships due to their complete lack of social skills. These men are easily fooled. It would be wrong to take advantage of them.
Meet Asian women online! Large breasted, submissive, sexual adventurous Asian women! Don't ask us how we got them! We certainly didn't kidnap them from their country under dishonest pretenses. They are not mail order brides. If you talk to them on the web, they probably aren't even Asian, much less women.
Find God's match for you! We consulted him and found your perfect partner! She's white, has blonde hair, and is totally ready to fuck! Though she shares your passion for Jesus, what she's really yearning for is some hot man meat, put in places we can't disclose, for fear of being just a bit too raunchy. This is a Christian ad, after all, and we know how prudish you people are.
We've got black love, with those big, black penises you all desire. We've got teenager love (eighteen and over) for all of you perverts as well. We have fitness singles, whatever that means. We have ways of sorting the economically successful from the cultural detritus, for those so inclined. We cater to every fetish, every stereotype, every prejudice. All we need is your money, you gullible, gullible swine.
Did you know that ninety-nine percent of the population now dates exclusively online? That couple that just got married? They met online! Your parents did as well. Were it not for us, you wouldn't even exist! You kind of owe us one, you know. Humanity has evolved to the point where we cannot copulate without the aid of computers. You know this, we know this. Just forget about talking to anybody face to face. We got all the fat chicks you could ever want.
Just click on our stupid little ad, and we'll give you all the women. Every single one. Just click. Come on, you know you want to. We won't give your computer AIDS. We promise.
AD BOT ENDING TRANSMISSION...