Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Hanging with the Goon

Dis here's Thom an all his most closest friends.

Howdy ya'll, today Id like ta dedicate my post to my favorite family member, my Uncle Thom. I'm a gonna tell amy most favorit Uncle Thom story, but first Id like ta tell everbody a little bout Thom an how he lives. Uncle Thom lives bout half a mile down da road in an ol' shack made out of plywood an aluminum cans an da pelts of skunks. He got a chickin coop made outta barbed wire, an sometimes when we come over, dats where I usually fall asleep ins, specially when I's had to much ta drink. Now Uncle Thom likes to drag race, an most of the valley can hear him late inta the evening revving up da engine on his souped up Firebird, an its kinda a point of contention amongst some of da other residents who dont respect da hard work it takes to build a competitive racer. Some have taken to firing weapons in Thom vicinity when he gets too loud, which pisses Thom off, an den he starts shootin' back, an god forbid you be on da road at dat time, cuz yur liable to take a built in yur asshole or worse. Another funny thing bout Uncle Thom is dat he's got a frigerator sitting right before his driveway, blockin it cuz he dont like visitors (bout da worst a stranger can do is pull into his driveway. Many have an were never seen again!). When Uncle Thom wants to leave he just puts a ramp behind the frigerator and ramps the sonofabitch like the General Lee, an you hear him tearin' down the valley like hells wheel or meatloaf.

Da story Id like to tell envolves Uncle Thom and my brother Slack. Now Slack got hisself in trouble wit the law, cuz he was drunk an drinking in the park, an I guess some ladies came sauntering down da walkway an he must've showed dem his wenis, or at least dats waht dey told da police. So course Slack needed someplace to hide, so he goes running back toward da house, the men in blue on his trail, an to throw 'em off, he veers into Thom's property. He gets down to da house, an low an behold, deres Uncle Thom sittin in his most favorite recliner (which is right outside his doorstep) naked as da day he was born. Slack just kinda stares at him, since he's never seen Uncle Thom naked, an Thom asks him "What da hell you doin' here, boy?" since I guess dis is his private time which he spends alone wit his privates. "I'm a running from da law!" shouts Slack, an Uncle Thom turns a shade of pale dat resembles da moon when its at its most full. "Ya goddamn idjit, whaddya bring ums here fors?" screams Thom, standing up from his chair. He starts pointin' toward da pit, which is bout five-hundred feet from da house, an Slack raises his eyebrows an realizes dat Thom's got company. "Im gonna go hide in da crick," he tells Thom, but Thom a scramblin' to put some pants on, but den da police show up an say "Freeze!" just like in da movies, an Thom's stuck wit no pants on. Unfortunately, dey got pretty curious bout da screams an yells coming from da pit, an when deys move ta check it out, Thom takes off like a fat pig through da woods, an one of dem police men had to wrestle him down and handcuff 'em an put 'em in da back of the squad car butt naked. I guess da woman dat dey found in da pit was consentin' parrently ta being down dere, or least Thom got her to say dat, so he didnt have ta do time, but now everbody thinks he's a weirdo, which dont matter much. Thom dont care wat people think of 'em. Dats one of his bestest traits.
Dis is da pit, dont it look cumfy?

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