Writer's Block: The State of the Nation

 

The State of The Nation

“Welcome to Graham Grahamson’s State of the Nation, where we discuss all of the political news of the week. This is my co-host Kathy Kelly.”

“Great to be here, Graham.”

“And let me also introduce former Conservative political adviser Craig Kolstein, author of Where Is My Country? Can you Find It? and host of the Straight Talk podcast, available on all the major platforms. How are you today, Craig?”

“I’m doing just swell, Graham. Really eager to get into the new developments of the week.”

“Alright. First, let’s discuss the events of KPAC, where the President had a set back this week when he attempted to seize a child in the audience and drag him backstage.”

“Oh boy. This is a doozy.”

“Frankly, I think you’re correct here, Craig. I can’t see how absconding with a small child helps the President’s political agenda.”

“It must be mentioned that onlookers at the event said that the President made several comments indicating that he planned on taking the child in question backstage with the purpose of draining said child of his bodily fluids and consuming his flesh.”

“That’s really pushing it, Graham. In the interest of impartiality, I don’t think you can repeat such ridiculous statements.”

“There’s apparently a recording, Craig.”

“For the record, KPAC have denied the allegations that the President intended to harm the child and have stated that any recording of the event played without the express consent of KPAC is forbidden and subject to legal action.”

“Well the President is certainly known for being impulsive. He’s not a typical politician.”

“This is just ammo for his critics, who are pushing the grotesque slander that the President is not entirely human.”

“Could you extrapolate further on that, Craig?”

“I don’t think it’s really my place to repeat them…”

“He certainly doesn’t show up much in the daytime.”

“That’s correct, Kelly, the President has yet to give a daytime appearance while the sun is still high in the sky.”

“What are you suggesting, Kelly? Come on. Don’t be afraid to say it.”

“Look, I’m not suggesting anything. I do think it is curious that the President seems to abhor the sunlight.”

“The man has a skin condition! You’re really going to buy into these rumors?”

“In other news, Secretary of War Pug Kegley said in a press conference yesterday that the war with the Vatican would soon be over. America troops seized control of the city-state Friday night. Critics of the administration have questioned the need for a military conflict with the Church, but officials claim that the Pope was harboring nuclear materials and planned on distributing them to terrorist groups.”

“Where’s the evidence? That’s what I want to know.”

“Look, the Pope and the President have been feuding all year, starting with the Pope’s comments criticizing the administration’s immigration policy. This is an unconventional President, one prone to battling it out in the arena with his critics, and while I don’t think any military action against the Church was warranted, I do think the Pope should have been careful with his comments. Look, he’s the vicar of Christ. He’s supposed to be above politics.”

“You think the Pope was wrong to speak out against the President’s detainment camps?”

“Yes, I do, Kelly. I don’t really think it’s his place.”

“There are substantial allegations that the people taken to these camps never come back, Craig. There are also photos circulating that appear to show mass burials.”

“Do you believe everything you see? Hell, half the videos on the internet are completely fabricated with AI. I think we have to take any claims of so-called ‘death-camps’ with a grain of salt. Could this administration be a little more transparent? Sure, I’d like that. Does that mean they’re harvesting illegal immigrants and sucking their blood? Now you’re talking crazy.”

“Alright. Well it’s time for our weekly voter check-in, where we interview an average Joe and ask them their opinion on the state of the nation. This week we have Mr. Lawrence White from Hillsboro, Ohio. How are you today, Lawrence?”

“I’m doing okay, Craig.”

“What is your opinion of the President’s war with the Vatican?”

“It’s stupid, Craig, just plain stupid. I’m still reeling from his last war. Gas prices are unaffordable, and most of my paycheck is spent at the grocery store. I can barely pay my mortgage! They’re also laying folks off at my warehouse left and right. What we have now is a country in crisis. It’s not what I voted for.”

“Did you vote for the President, Mr. White?”

“I did. Three times! You know, during his first administration, when the Blood Plague was running rampant, I didn’t blame the President. This country needs strong bio-weapons, and cuts during Stollmeyer’s Presidency really opened the door for a disaster. And then when Cortez won and the Blood Horde overran the Capital, I think the media really did the country a disservice by calling all of those patriots ‘monsters.’ But the President has lost focus. He’s not thinking about the red-blooded Americans who voted him into office two years ago.”

“What do you make, Mr. White, of the allegations that at KPAC the President tried to apprehend a small child and drag him away?”

“I don’t like it, Craig. The President ran on meat and potato issues like the price of eggs. What was he going to do to that kid back there? There’s a substantial portion of his base that want him to release the government’s files on human trafficker Count Orlok. But he won’t. He’s stonewalling us, and I don’t understand it.”

“You do realize that the President and Count Orlok were close friends? It’s been alleged that the President’s own name shows up in those documents over two-thousand times.”

“Yeah, I just don’t know, Craig. None of it makes any sense. The President said he was going to do something about all the illegal immigrants running around committing crimes, but agents came to my warehouse and grabbed my buddy Hernando, who was a good family man, and we haven’t seen him since.”

“What would you say to the President, if you could?”

“I’d tell him to get back to focusing on the working class. I voted for him because he was a tough guy, a business man who didn’t talk like a normal politician. Sure, some of the stuff he said was kind of vulgar, but we needed that in Washington. Too many people were afraid to say what they think. I think he needs to abandon turning the east wing of the White House into a mausoleum and do something about gas prices.”

“Thank you, Mr. White. That concludes our voter check-in segment. What do you think of what Mr. White said, Craig?”

“I think he was right on the money. The President needs to stop being distracted by children and right the ship and focus on the economy.”

“Kelly?”

“I guess I want to ask Mr. White why he continued to vote for the President despite all of the calamitous events that seem to follow in his wake.”

“Very good. Let’s close the show by briefly covering a comment made by former President Cortez yesterday at a fundraiser for her struggling Labor Party. I would like to warn our viewers that offensive language was used. Mrs. Cortez said to the media in attendance that ‘Somebody needs to do something about that fucking vampire in the Oval Office.” What do you think of Mrs. Cortez’s comment, Craig?”

“Completely uncalled for, Graham. Just deplorable. It seems to me that she’s advocating violence against the President, and I expect repercussions. You just can’t make a comment like that, not in today’s volatile political environment. I think the President would be completely in his rights to seek legal recourse against Mrs. Cortez utilizing all the power of the Justice Department.”

“Kelly?”

“Mrs. Cortez calls them like she sees them. What I want to know is…”

“I’m sorry, we’re all out of time. Catch us next week on Graham Grahamson’s State of the Nation. Thank you for watching. Goodnight.”