Tuesday, June 6, 2017

What is the Best Kind of Monkey?

There's a question that has befuddled your brain for quite some time. You try to sleep, but you just can't stop thinking about it. You can't get anything done at work. Your wife complains about your thousand yard stare. You're forgetting the names of your children, Peter and what's-her-name. Well, it's high time that you found an answer to that question. What is the best kind of monkey? Surely there is a definitive answer.

I mean, we have our basic types of monkey. Big monkeys with long arms and sloping heads. Little monkeys with long tails and round faces. Scary monkeys with sharp teeth and red asses. Then there are the monkeys that speak sign language. Don't forget the monkeys that smell like rotten eggs and baby farts. I don't want to get too scientific here. Those are the basic types of monkeys as I understand it, in layman's terms. We won't get into the mythical monkeys like sasquatches and king kongs. There is no place for them in our discussion, unless we hear something new on the internet, in which case we'll have to reevaluate our argument.

Pros and cons of various types of monkey:

Big monkeys with long arms and sloping heads--There's a lot of hearsay about this kind of monkey. Some says that they don't have what it takes to hang with the big dogs. Others claim that they're too dumb to be the best type of monkey. Supposedly they hide all of their bananas in garbage bags, which is really stupid because everybody knows that bananas spoil quickly when encased in black plastic. Personally, I don't like the looks of them. They are probably the strongest kind of monkey, though, so that's a point in their favor.

Little monkeys with long tails and round faces--These are the type of monkeys that throw poop at you at the zoo. Some would say that's a point against them, but I think it shows personality, which is always prized in an animal. Their tails are prehensile, and they use them to grab beers. You can't have this kind of monkey with a dog, though, for they are mortal enemies. That's a deal breaker for me.

Scary monkeys with sharp teeth and red asses--For all the horror fans out there, these are the scariest monkeys in the world. They will mess you up and use your skull for a cup like Doctor Doom. Their asses are probably the scariest part of them, because you never know if a little head or another monkey might pop out. I like scary movies as much as the next guy, but these guys are too much.

Monkeys that speak sign language--I can't abide a monkey that speaks with its hands. Call me old fashioned, call me what you will. It ain't right. I guess some people like this kind of monkey. Those people are wrong.

Monkeys that smell like rotten eggs and baby farts--You are not supposed to keep this monkey in your house because it will tear up all of your shit and drink your coffee. They are really funny, however. They can also open doors and smoke cigarettes. Mixed on this one.

And the best type of monkey is...

Goddamn it. It's a trick question. Every type of monkey is the worst type of monkey.

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