Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Hanging with the Goon

 Ol' Sam caught 'emself teh coyote! Hot-damn!

Folks and gentlelady-folks, we ares in teh depths of peach season, witch as far as teh Goon is concerned, is money-making season. Hand-over fistests! Teh Goon is absolutely rolling in teh dough. As of last week, I has made 240 dollars! In two weeks! That's enough money to not pay my rent and purchase 24 cases of Miller High Life. That's liek a week in a half's worth of beer. So teh Goon is livin' well, folks. Dont uses worry bout him.

But this is a pubic service annoucment. WTACH OUT FER TEH JAPANSE BEATLES! Dees little varmits are all over teh place! Tehy are eating teh peaches and chewin' on teh apple leaves, and just generally makin' tehmselves a nuiscance to decent orchard peoples leik myself. What really pisses me off bout teh beatles is that they're always screwing all over teh place liek Yoko and John Leenon. Every peach tree is havin' a beatles' orgy! They doing it ontop an on bottom, though I hasn't seen any positions that I was unawares of, not yet, at least. My boss Sammy is spraying teh trees wit Carbaroyl and nuclear material in teh hopes that it will kill teh beatles an save teh rest of our peaches. Unfortunately, all that toxic stuff kills just about everythin that has four legs or two, so when I's picking teh peaches, I has to wear a hazmat suit, witch is hot as hell! Over teh last few weeks, I has lost twenty-two pounds in thirteen hours, witch is just too many, to be honest. Still, I has my ten pack back an all teh ladies are put on alerts. Watch yourselfs, ladies. Dont be caught hanging round teh lampost after hours, or teh Goon will be there to sweep you off of yur feet!

Id lieke to says a little bouts teh heat. It has been attrocius tehis year. Me an Hernando has been plagued by teh swamp ass. We cant move ten feet witout hasin teh swamp ass crawl up our asses an make em sweaty. Inf act, when teh Goon gets home, he burns his underpants in teh stove an throws his socks out in teh crick fer teh animals to devour. But u has to watch it: unfortunately, teh crick dont flow very well, an last summer I clogged it up wit all my dirty socks an tehy had to has teh utility company come down and pump it free. They gave teh Goon a stern talkin-to, but i didn't listen too well cuz I'm a mental midget. Anyways, dont let teh swamp ass prevent you from livin' ur life. That's my main message today.

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