Friday, July 15, 2016

Conan Brothers' Q&A

GottaCatchemAll asks "Has the world stopped functioning to play Pokemon Go? Or am I just crazy?"

Arnold: You're crazy, asshole.

Dave: I have yet to see anyone playing Pokemon, but then again, I rarely go out in public.

Arnold: Someone explain this shit to me. Pokemon are little Japanese monsters that run around on your phone and you have to wandered through the city, discovering dead bodies and shit until you corner the little bitch's avatar in the real world and mace it to death. Is that it?

Dave: People have discovered dead bodies while playing Pokemon Go. I'm not making this up.

Arnold: This is why I don't have a smart phone. I don't want to discover dead bodies.

Dave: We live in a world where it is acceptable for a grown-ass man to spend his free time hovering over his phone playing some weird game featuring something called a pikachu.

Arnold: You're just jelly, Dave. You don't understand.

Dave: I'm nearly thirty-one years old and I've never caught a pokemon. What have I done with my life?

Arnold: Pretty much jack shit.

RealAmericanHero asks "So how much of a disaster are the Olympics going to be this year?"

Arnold: Who gives a shit about the Olympics.

Dave: Goddamnit, you have to give a shit about something, otherwise we have nothing to talk about.

Arnold: They never give any of the strength sports any coverage. I never see wrestling or weightlifting. It's all about the synchronized swimming and beach volleyball. Fuck, ping pong is in the Olympics. It's a goddamn joke. Not to mention the blatant corruption. And the sex parties...

Dave: What's wrong with sex parties?

Arnold: Nothing in theory, but you know how they turn out in practice. Somebody locks eyes with you during a group grope and then the vibe is weird.

Dave: They have Zika to worry about too.

Arnold: I like how a bunch of male golfers pulled out. Like they were going to carry a pregnancy to term.

Dave: Haven't you seen Mr. Mom? It could happen.

PicardTrumpsKirk asks "Why were there so many Star Trek episodes involving Riker and sexual assault? It's almost as though the producers were trying to tell us something"

Dave: I can think of two. There's that one where the alien chick tries to frame him, and then there's the episode where these mind-controlling guys make Troi think Riker took advantage of her after a poker game.

Arnold: I like to think of Riker as basically a riff on Captain Kirk. Like Kirk, he has an unbridled sexuality that, realistically, gets him into trouble. Contrast him with the chaste and responsible Captain Picard. You don't see Picard ever getting accused of putting his manhood somewhere where it didn't belong. It's almost as though they were trying to say that Kirk's swinging 60's guy wouldn't cut it in the more refined 90's.

Dave: Having an unbridled sexuality is pretty different from being a rapist.

Arnold: It's not that he is actually a rapist, it's that you could easily picture him as one.

Dave: He's a pretty heroic character throughout the series. I don't know if I agree.

Arnold: All heroes have their faults. I mean Jesus, look at that beard.

Dave: He has too much of a Kurt Douglas butt-chin without it.

Arnold: You have a Kurt Douglas butt-chin. On your face.

Dave: Where the hell else would I have it?

Arnold: On your butt.

Dave: Okay, I've had enough.

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