Thursday, March 17, 2016

Let's Vote Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho President

Much has been made about Donald Trump's candidacy for President. Although he has funny hair and is good at insulting people, I don't think the Donald has all the right attributes for our nation's highest office. Instead, consider Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho for Commander in Chief.

Trump says he is a successful businessman, despite the fact that he's claimed bankruptcy multiple times and would actually be richer if he just invested his inheritance. Mr. Camacho does not need to resort to such ridiculous lies, for he has a resume that speaks for itself. As a five time ultimate smackdown wrestling champion, Mr. Camacho has successfully navigated the harsh arena of pro wrestling and emerged at the top of the card. In order to be a top star, you have to get over with the people, and Mr. Camacho has always received a majority of cheers when his music plays. His merchandise is also among the top sellers in WWE history. A sure-fire Hall of Famer, Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho is a self-made man, a fact that stands in contrast to the 40 million Trump received from his slum-lord father.

Consider also Mr. Camacho's long pornographic career. Frankly, it is long past the time that we removed the stigma from smut--everybody watches it, and I assure you that Mr. Camacho's movies are among the best and most respectful to women. Always a gentleman, Mr. Camacho is renowned for taking the time to get to know his partner in order to make sure the entire experience is comfortable and fun. Unlike Donald Trump, Mr. Camacho respects women; he would never call women he doesn't like pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals.

Do we really want a President that would lie on his medical exam? Donald Trump is clearly overweight and certainly not an example of a man in the prime of health, despite his ridiculous claims on his medical report. Said document describes Trump's health as being "astonishingly excellent," and also says that his strength and stamina are "extraordinary." You know who actually has extraordinary strength and stamina? Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, that's who. With single digit bodyfat and twenty-two inch arms, Camacho has displayed his strength in the ring, gorilla pressing the Big Show, who weighs over 400 lbs. His stamina is clear in his many pornographic films, such as The Wrestler, Musclemen and Backdoor Women, and my personal favorite, Big Tittied Girls Get It Good. Once again, Mr. Camacho shows that he can actually live up to the Donald's outrageous claims.

The choice is clear: vote Camacho. Let's return dignity and respect to this race. Vote for a true man of the people and not a disgusting caricature of a corrupt businessman.

Respectful, as always.

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