Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Many Quarrels of Batman and Superman

Batman vs. Superman is out, and the reviews aren't too good. This isn't the first time the two heroes have clashed, however. Batman and Superman have had many disagreements over the years. Here are a few that I remember.

Superman once hit Batman in the bat-nuts for taking the last bagel at a Justice League meeting. Batman vowed to make the Man of Steel pay "With his tears," before venturing off into a corner to cry.

There was an awkward incident in the Justice League which started when Batman accused Superman of ogling Wonder Woman. Superman, of course, brought up the many sexual harassment suits Batman has weathered over the years. The two nearly came to blows and called each other "stupid head."

There seem to be some lingering jealous issues between Batman and Superman. Superman, who was raised a poor farmer's son, resents Batman for his seemingly unlimited wealth and power. One time Batman went down to the Batcave and found all of his shit wrecked. He would've blamed the Joker if not for a security camera which remained undamaged. The footage showed Superman dismembering the Batmobile with his dick. Needless to say, Batman burned everything.

Batman hates Superman for being a Red Sox fan. Batman, of course, is a Yankees fan.

Superman uses Mac computers, which Batman just can't stand.

Superman once destroyed the Bat-toilet with Super-diarrhea. The plumbing bill totaled over ten-thousand dollars. When Batman brought up this up at a Justice League meeting, Superman simply said "You can pay for it."

Batman and Superman can't even agree on who has the best arch-enemy. Batman points out that the Joker is unpredictable and ready to do anything to make his life miserable. Superman says that he actually enjoys Lex Luthor's zany shenanigans and doesn't understand why Batman doesn't do something before the Joker really hurts somebody. Batman usually gives up on the argument at this point and just stares at Superman, trying to kill him with hate.

When Batman and Superman go to a restaurant there is always an argument on who should pay. Batman says that Superman has yet to offer to pay the check, which really bothers him. Superman says that Batman is a goddamn billionaire, and he can afford to pay a twenty-dollar bill.

When it comes to politics, Batman usually votes conservative, whereas Superman is on the liberal side of most issues. Everyone in the Justice League knows not to bring up the coming election, unless they want to listen to Batman rant for half an hour about "building a wall to keep the aliens out," while glowering at Superman.

Batman hates Radiohead with a passion. Superman does too, but he loves to play Kid A just to piss Batman off.

Sometimes, when he's really pissed at Batman, Superman fills all of Batman's closets at Wayne Manor with dead cats.

Batman annually tries to have Superman deported.

The thing that pisses Batman off the most is that not once, in all of the time that they have known one another, has Superman ever sent Batman a Christmas card.

Superman thinks that he and Batman could be friends if Batman would just open his heart. Batman thinks that Superman is the living embodiment of cancer and would love nothing more than to find him in a ditch someday, a kryptonite knife stuck in his heart.

Superman once saw Batman naked in the Justice League locker room, which led to Batman accusing Superman of spreading "false rumors," about the size of his penis. Superman never said anything, but he acts like he did.

Whenever he visits Wayne manor, Superman uses his laser vision to spoil the milk in Batman's refrigerator.  

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