- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
I'm just a Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaire
You realize that I'm just a temporarily embarrassed millionaire, right? This house you see, with the peeling siding and the crumbling foundation, it's not my permanent residence. I'll live in a big mansion one day, complete with a gilded interior and a personal manservant named Gerald. I'll drive a Camaro and crap in a gold toilet with one of those jets that shoots water up your ass. My wife will get a tit upgrade and we'll change our last names to Von Maur or something similarly fancy. Maybe we'll have our own private jet. Maybe not. I don't know if that's realistic.
Why should I care about public schools when Junior is going to be rubbing shoulders with the other rich kids at the Academy for Future Leaders of America or whatever they call it? Why should I give a shit about health care when I'll be jumping in a giant pile of gold like Scrooge McDuck every morning for my daily constitutional? You see, there are winners and losers in life. I'm a winner. At least, I'll be one eventually.
Sure, I'm barely getting paid more than minimum wage right not, but the jobs will come rushing back, especially now that Trump is in the White House. The automobile factories are leaving Mexico and coming to America, along with the coal mines and the steel industry and the textile mills and stuff. That vanished economy will return just as soon as taxes are cut and tariffs enacted. America's gotten a bad deal from the rest of the world. The times, they are a changing. We're making things great again.
Hopefully the Donald won't cut my government benefits, not that I'll need them. Yes, my family can only afford health insurance because of Obamacare, but surely the White House will fight for the needs of real, white, hard working Americans. The wife's currently on disability because of her chronic back pain, yet after we're millionaires, we'll be able to afford the surgery that she needs and she'll lose all that weight and get super-hot again like she was when she was sixteen. I just ask that the Republicans, who I always vote for, wait until we're filthy rich like the rest of them before they gut all of my welfare. Not that we need it, though. We're Americans. We believe in self-reliance and the prosperity gospel. God will surely take care of us. We believe in Him.
It doesn't matter if you're black, Hispanic, gay, transsexual, a woman, dike, or Muslim, because if you work hard, you'll eventually become a millionaire like me (future me, I mean). In fact, if you're any one of those things, you'll have a built-in advantage thanks to the Democrats and the PC police. Thank god for Trump, because finally a straight, white, heterosexual male will be able to get ahead in this world. My millions are waiting. When I find them, I'll see you suckers later.