- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Saturday, September 3, 2016
What's the Deal with Sleep?
So what's the deal with sleep? You're telling me that I need to be unconscious for eight hours every single night? No way, man. That ain't me.
You know how much stuff there is to do during the night? The night is when rock 'n' roll happens. The night is for meeting hobos down by the river and having an exchange of goods. You play nightcrawlers at night, for chrissakes. Some of the best people I ever met anonymously I met during the night.
You know how drunk you can get during the night? Way more drunk than during the day, lemme tell you. I have hallucinations of brilliant silver-winged creatures at night. That's never happened to me during the day. In fact, nothing cool has ever happened to me during the day.
Sleep gets in the way of all that cool stuff. Sleep is death's boring, punctual cousin. Sleep is something that babies do, supposedly. The devil invented coffee so you could have fun all night and not sleep a wink. What is a wink, anyway? Is it some sort of quantity? What's the conversion of winks to blinks? Winks to nods? Hell if I know. Those kinds of questions are for the daywalkers.
To tell you the truth, I haven't slept more than an hour a day for four years. They should lock me up in a laboratory and perform experiments to see if I have a super power. Think about it: you spend half of your life unconscious. That might be fun for some of you out there, but I like to know what I'm getting into before I pass out, if you know what I'm saying. If I'm going to sleep, then I'm going to have fever dreams of Carcosa being overrun with unicorns. None of this stupid shit where I wake up and I'm in grade school and I've forgotten to wear anything but underwear.
Sleep gets in the way of my weird times, and god knows I need them, now more than ever. Nothing stifles creativity more than sleep. There's no way you can be expected to binge watch every single Star Trek tv series in one life time without insomnia. But you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way. Now excuse me, I have to meet with the hobos down by the river.