- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Buy Our Delicious Gnarly Crisp Apples
Howdy, stranger. Looks like you're in the mood for a delicious apple. I have just the thing. This here is what we call a "gnarly crisp."
You've heard of honey crisp? Well, lemme tell you, they're overrated. They taste like store-bought apple juice and bruise very easily. Their distinctive crunch is an illusion--they have large cells, the actual apple is very soft, really. If you really want a hard apple, give one of our gnarly crisp a try. A word of warning: do not eat if you have weak teeth. These babies are for folks with grade A chompers only. Children and the elderly need not apply.
Oh, does the appearance of the gnarly crisp put you off? That's call russeting, folks. Those hard barnacles covering the surface of your delicious gnarly crisp deter all manner of insects and pests from tasting its flesh. Don't let it deter you! You are not an insect, no matter what they say. You are perfectly capable of enjoying a fresh gnarly crisp.
I see you still have some doubts. Perhaps the off-putting aroma of the gnarly crisp prevents you from trying it. That harsh vinegar odor is a side-effect of the gnarly crisp's intense flavor. Most people like to grab a piece of fruit and shove it into their nostrils. Not so with the gnarly crisp! Although if you do so, you might get a little high. There are fights amongst the orchard folk regarding who gets to clean up beneath the gnarly crisp trees after a harvest. The lucky person who does is often not the same for days. They enter another universe, a celestial world where manual labor seems to ease all of one's worries while giving the worker a zen-like state of mind.
Here, would you like to have a small taste? I warn you, the flavor is very intense. Please do not eat more than one gnarly crisp apple every seven days unless you wish to be sitting on your toilet for the duration of a week. The gnarly crisp has a ridiculous amount of fiber, giving it the name "nature's laxative." What do you taste? Do you detect notes of pear, perhaps a dash of cinnamon, and maybe a trace of dead animal? It's best to hold one's nose while eating in order to minimize the after-taste. This is an old trick I learned from an ancient farmer, who coincidentally died after huffing gnarly crisp wine.
So I've persuaded you to purchase a peck of gnarly crisp. That's great! I hope you enjoy your apples. That'll be twenty dollars, please. No, I will not take a personal check, only cold, hard cash. You didn't get them from me, remember? The gnarly crisp will be our little secret.