Tuesday, April 26, 2016

The Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to UFOs (and Aliens)

Dude, she's totally an alien, which makes Bill so much cooler because he's banging an alien broad.

Dudes and dudettes, it's been way too long since I laid down the knowledge in regards to paranormal activity and shit. Since the aliens are running for president this year (two of the candidates hail from the Alpha Draconis system; betcha didn't know that!) I thought I'd do a guide to spotting UFOs and their extraterrestrial denizens. Hold on to your butts; you're gonna learn shit you might not want to. If it's too much to knowledge to handle, then stop right now. Gordy P. Weaver and the Hillsdale Paranormal Society will not be held responsible for any heads blown right the fuck off.

First, the best time to go UFO hunting is at night around three o'clock or so in an isolated area. I'm talking a place where it's thirty minutes bare minimum to civilization. You also have to be totally plastered; I guess aliens know when you're shit-faced, because I've seen more UFOs while intoxicated than I ever have sober. It also helps if you have a friend who's a little weird, because aliens always take the weird ones. Trent has been beamed up more times than I can count, and he sucks his thumbs and still wets the bed on occasion, but just remember, causation doesn't equal correlation and shit. Sometimes a bro is weird because he's been beamed up too many times. He didn't start out that way.

It also helps to watch an alien movie before looking for UFOs. Don't ask me why; it's like the drinking thing, don't question it, just accept the knowledge and move on. I usually chose Spaceballs because Pizza the Hut is an actual alien, not some rubber piece of poo. Other good choices are City Slickers (Billy Crystal is a sentient collection of methane from Pluto) and Top Gun (Val and Tom are Siamese Twins native to our asteroid belt). Or just watch PBS; everything on PBS is alien bullshit.

If you see a UFO, definitely try to get a pic, but make sure to make it as blurry and indecipherable as possible, because if you get an actual decent photo, the MIB will come and throw your ass in Guantanamo Bay. That's why we don't have any conclusive evidence of UFOs, even though freaking aliens are running the country. Don't believe me? Let me lay some Icke (as in David) on you.

Bernie Sanders--A member of a peace-loving race of mole-people located roughly 300 light years away.

Paul Ryan--A reformed murderbot built before the Butlerian Jihad. Ask him for a box of Cracker Jacks;  he'll go nuts.

Scott Walker--The abiogenesis of alien excrement, Governor Walker doesn't like to be reminded that he is literally a piece of shit.

There are others, but it would take all day to out them, and then I'd get in even more trouble. You gotta keep this shit on the down low, peeps.

Governor Walker in his true form.

Something else to keep in mind when you're looking for aliens is to wear a butt plug at all times. Now, I've never been abducted, but according to Trent, when they take you, they insert all manner of objects into your anus. If you value your butt like I do, keep it protected.

Last thing, you might want to bring a weapon. Since only members of Starfleet are allowed to carry phasers, you'll have to improvise. Alien shields are vulnerable to melee weapons, so a big stick will suffice, believe it or not (believe it). I have one that I call BAaB--Big Ass Alien Basher. That's what I use for establishing first contact, if you know what I mean (hah).

That's all the tips I have for now. Remember, jabronis, wear your butt plugs and watch your six. Also, don't watch TV because that's how they spy on you and get your Netflicks password.

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