Monday, September 21, 2015

Are You a Meatatarian?


There are a whole lot of fad diets out there, most of them terribly unhealthy and just plain unfun. You know who has fun when they eat? Meatatarians, that's who. You've never seen a healthy-looking vegan, but I guarantee you've seen a healthy-looking meatatarian. You see, the body needs protein to build tissue, and only delicious animal protein contains the proper amino acids to build muscle. Mixing rice and beans together isn't going to cut it, unless you want to see how fast you can clear a room with your excess intestinal fumes. Let's go over the basics of a meatatarian diet.

Breakfast--three eggs, a yogurt, maybe a protein shake mixed with milk. Dairy is delicious and fair game for meatatarians if they have the ability to process lactose. Eggs have a perfect protein rating, which means the body absorbs almost all of the protein. Plus, they are so good.

Second breakfast--Whatever meat dish is left over in the fridge, maybe a small steak. Meatatarians eat like hobbits, and therefore have multiple editions of various meals. Don't skip second breakfast! It'll ruin your day.

Lunch--Fried chicken, a meat sandwich, a hamburger, any animals you can catch. Lunch is my favorite meal of the day. I usually pick from various guilt-free options, including fried chicken. Every once in a while you should probably eat some chicken liver in order to obtain essential vitamins. Don't forget about your organ meats! You don't want to get scurvy!

Second lunch--Maybe a meat pizza, meatballs, spaghetti, or a really fat chihuahua. Just like with second breakfast, skipping second lunch is a recipe for disaster. When I forget to eat second lunch, it's hard to make it through the day.

Dinner--Roast beast, steak, pulled pork, sausage, any stray people who look suitably delicious. Dinner is just the best. I usually eat red meat because it tastes really good. Do what you want, though. Being a meatatarian is about being unrestricted by society's rules.

Midnight snack--Raw fat, buckets of blood, anything that moves. Our ancestors were primarily carnivorous. Obviously we haven't evolved at all in the past 200,000 years. Why not eat as they did?

Have I convinced you? Doesn't this diet sound delicious? Let's look at some famous meatatarians.

Wolves!

Lions!

The T. Rex from Jurassic Park!

Future President Donald Trump!

Nineteenth century strongman Arthur Saxon!

Save the planet, eat all the animals, the human ones as well. Hopefully President Trump legalizes cannibalism so that us meatatarians can stop living in hiding. Let us look forward to a new future, one full of meat!

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