Thursday, September 10, 2015

Select Farmers Only Profiles

Name: The Batman, AKA The Dark Knight, or just The Night

Age: 35

Looking for: Someone to share my darkest secrets with and to help take off this goddamn costume

Hobbies: Being ridiculously rich, bat-accessorizing everyday items, punching poor people in the face

Bio: I AM THE DARK THAT PROWLS THE NIGHT, THE FORCE THAT CANNOT BE TAMED...EVIL FLEES IN MY PRESENCE; HOWEVER IM REALLY JUST AN AVERAGE GUY THAT LIKES TO CHILL IN FRONT OF THE TV AND WATCH SOME HOME AND GARDEN NETWORK, AMIRITE? I HAVE A BUTLER AND HE DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME. ONE TIME I HAD A TEENAGE WARD BUT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER AND THANKS TO JESUS I AM A CHANGED MAN. PLEASE COME LIVE IN MY CREEPY GOTH MANSION WITH ME. LOOKS LIKE ALFRED FORGOT TO TAKE OFF THE CAPS LOCK. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THAT TOO.

Name: Grog the Destroyer

Age: Doesn't matter

Looking for: Someone that I don't have to club over the head every night, who comes willingly to my cave

Hobbies: Bashing bones with other bones, jumping up and down like a monkey, pawing at the dirt and praying for rain

Bio: Does anybody know anything about farming? I need some help with a garlic patch. Also need somebody who knows how to use 100 percent of an animal and who can cook a good bear brain soup. If you don't mind a man who smells like shit, has a three inch brow, and who can crush walnuts with his bare hands, give old Grog a call. Don't have a phone number. I hang out at the public library on Tuesdays between ten and twelve o'clock.

Name: Knuckles

Age: 20 going on 55

Looking for: Meth, a gun, his pants

Hobbies: Doing meth, making meth, selling meth, eating cat litter, eating cats

Bio: Yo, just got out of the joint and looking to score big. Need a sugar momma to help get my business established. Would be best if you owned an abandoned building in the shitty part of town, or maybe a trailer out in the woods. Need a lot of guns, too. If you have cats, that's a plus, but don't get too attached to them. Sometimes I see nothing but the lights in the woods. Really dig Cat Stevens. Sometimes I piss my pants.

Name: Earth, Wind, and Fire

Age: 55

Looking for: a spiritual partner to help me on this wonderful journey called life

Hobbies: growing mad radishes, smelling bad, letting my beard engulf my face

Bio: What do city girls know! What does anybody know, you know what I mean? Life is this big confusing mess and we just gotta find some meaning in it. If you are interested in ending the rat race and ready to embrace nature, come on down to my little farm. We raise fresh organic radishes that cost 3.99 a pound. Nothing like putting your hands into Mother Earth's womb. Smell that earthy goodness! Could be my BO too. Let's smell like onions together!

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