- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Select Farmers Only Profiles
Looking for: Someone to share my darkest secrets with and to help take off this goddamn costume
Hobbies: Being ridiculously rich, bat-accessorizing everyday items, punching poor people in the face
Bio: I AM THE DARK THAT PROWLS THE NIGHT, THE FORCE THAT CANNOT BE TAMED...EVIL FLEES IN MY PRESENCE; HOWEVER IM REALLY JUST AN AVERAGE GUY THAT LIKES TO CHILL IN FRONT OF THE TV AND WATCH SOME HOME AND GARDEN NETWORK, AMIRITE? I HAVE A BUTLER AND HE DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME. ONE TIME I HAD A TEENAGE WARD BUT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER AND THANKS TO JESUS I AM A CHANGED MAN. PLEASE COME LIVE IN MY CREEPY GOTH MANSION WITH ME. LOOKS LIKE ALFRED FORGOT TO TAKE OFF THE CAPS LOCK. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THAT TOO.
Age: Doesn't matter
Looking for: Someone that I don't have to club over the head every night, who comes willingly to my cave
Hobbies: Bashing bones with other bones, jumping up and down like a monkey, pawing at the dirt and praying for rain
Bio: Does anybody know anything about farming? I need some help with a garlic patch. Also need somebody who knows how to use 100 percent of an animal and who can cook a good bear brain soup. If you don't mind a man who smells like shit, has a three inch brow, and who can crush walnuts with his bare hands, give old Grog a call. Don't have a phone number. I hang out at the public library on Tuesdays between ten and twelve o'clock.
Age: 20 going on 55
Looking for: Meth, a gun, his pants
Hobbies: Doing meth, making meth, selling meth, eating cat litter, eating cats
Bio: Yo, just got out of the joint and looking to score big. Need a sugar momma to help get my business established. Would be best if you owned an abandoned building in the shitty part of town, or maybe a trailer out in the woods. Need a lot of guns, too. If you have cats, that's a plus, but don't get too attached to them. Sometimes I see nothing but the lights in the woods. Really dig Cat Stevens. Sometimes I piss my pants.
Looking for: a spiritual partner to help me on this wonderful journey called life
Hobbies: growing mad radishes, smelling bad, letting my beard engulf my face
Bio: What do city girls know! What does anybody know, you know what I mean? Life is this big confusing mess and we just gotta find some meaning in it. If you are interested in ending the rat race and ready to embrace nature, come on down to my little farm. We raise fresh organic radishes that cost 3.99 a pound. Nothing like putting your hands into Mother Earth's womb. Smell that earthy goodness! Could be my BO too. Let's smell like onions together!