Tuesday, September 8, 2015

The Least Interesting Man in the World


Well it has been awhile, folks. Not much happening in my little corner of the world. The neighborhood kids are still throwing toilet paper all over my house. Everyone's dog poos in my yard. My boss thinks that I'm a moron. Romantically, I haven't had much luck. Yep. Everything's peachy. Is time a flat circle? I dunno. That seems a little depressing, don't you think?

I did catch a mouse today. I'd been trying to catch the little fella for weeks. I got myself one of those no-kill mouse traps and baited it with a piece of apple. Turns out mice really do like cheese more than apples! He didn't take the apple bait, but he jumped right on the piece of cheese. Was a cute little guy, just the size of a matchbox car. I looked at him for a while, his black eyes peering back at mine. His respiration had fogged up the trap. He ate most of the cheese. I took him outside and walked a few blocks over and let him out. He sat in the grass, staring up at me before scurrying into a culvert. "Bye, Rupert," I whispered. I hope he comes back.

One of the neighborhood boys saw me doing all of this, a strapping young boy that goes by the name Fat Roll for some reason, I've gathered. He sat on his bike, his beefy legs straddling the cycle, his hat slightly askew on his rotund head. "Howdy there, chap," I said. "Nice day for a ride, eh?" Fat Roll continued to stare at me, his mouth silent. He had blubbery lips and freckles on his cheeks. "Stay in school, drink milk, and don't do drugs!" I told him, placing my hands on my hips. We seemed to be caught in a stare off of some sort. Fat Roll's eyes had a darkness behind them, an unfathomable blackness. "What do you want?" I asked, my voice changed. "Do you know what I know?" Still the boy said nothing. "Did you see the mouse?" I asked. "That's what we all are, my friend. Little creatures trapped in cages. Sometimes, we are let out. Other times, we are thrown into the abyss." I was really talking nonsense, an unfortunate habit I have, but the kid seemed to know what I was saying. Suddenly, he put his feet to the pedals of his bicycle and took off down the street. I wonder if he'll write me a letter. Maybe I've made a new friend.


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