Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Consummate Politician Apologizes


Hello constituents. It's that time again. Election time. My favorite time. I get to get out of the office and meet and greet with the little people. The salt of the earth. I get to hold babies and kiss them. Sometimes, I even get to grope one of my female staffers, though those times are unfortunately few and far between these days. There are exciting speeches where I reestablish my dominance and intellectual superiority over my opponent. There are the great attack ads where I point out how terrible a person my opponent is. Of course, there are his ads about me. And then there's the media with their goddamn questions. You let me have a script and I'll answer questions all day, long as I know the answers. Nobody likes to be surprised with a question, though.

Usually, when I'm up on this podium, I'm apologizing for sexual misconduct. It's kind of my thing. The constituents love it. They think "thank god our governor is getting some ass." This time, though, it's drug related. It really pains me to admit this, considering how tough I've been on drug offenders during my tenure. But I love cocaine. Absolutely fucking love it. I snort cocaine in the morning. I snort it around lunch. I have some around dinner time. Sometimes I do it before bed. Have you tried cocaine? Shit's amazing. I totally don't blame anyone for doing cocaine now. It's that black tar heroin you have to watch out for. And marijuana. That stuff is a gateway drug. It also makes you like shitty music and turns you queer. Science says so. Go ask a scientist.

I'd like to argue, before I apologize for anything, that all the cool people snort cocaine. Actors, rock stars, professional athletes. Politicians. I was kind of pressured into it by my social stature and my drug dealer, who shall remain anonymous. He's a good guy, an investment banker who deals a lot with the Colombians. He launders money, they give him drugs. It's a fair exchange. It's the capitalist system at work. As an economic conservative, I whole-heartedly support the unrestricted exchange of capital. We don't need the government interfering with such transactions. Do we want to live in an America where you can't conceal the source of illicit funds? How the hell's the Mafia supposed to do business? You know they helped us win World War 2?


You know I never inhaled any of that cocaine? I just sort of let it sit in my nostrils. I never actually sucked it up into my nasal passageways. I just put it in there to look cool. It's part of the job, looking cool. You'd be surprised how many people you can fool just by looking like a boss. And I am a boss. I'm the governor. Everyone tells me so.

Did you know my distinguished opponent is a pederast? He was once found naked in a park during his college days. Oh boy. Is that the sort of person we want running our state? Did you know he has over forty unpaid parking tickets? He breaks the law and then he doesn't even pay for it. There's a pattern here, people, of irresponsible behavior. I heard from a local restaurant that he's a cheap tipper. No one will ever accuse me of being a cheap tipper. I toss out Ben Franklins like I'm Jay Z. He's still cool, right? Jigga's still the man in my book.

So come November, vote for responsibility. Vote for tradition. Vote against pederasty. Vote me, and God bless America.

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