Thursday, October 9, 2014

Internet Ad Bot Presents: Are You Ready for Some Football?


Are you ready for some football? We hope so. We are ready for some revenue. We will provide the large, angry men and the pummeling you desire. Balls will be thrown, some will be caught, others will be kicked. There will be large-breasted cheerleaders on the sidelines for you to gawk at. We don't even pay them minimum wage. They're women. Why would we?

Are you ready for some football? This sport is the last bastion of American male masculinity. The feminists have taken everything away, but they can't touch football. Everybody from your Aunt Janet to your Uncle Muhammad loves them some football. These men are gladiators, fighting for nothing but fame, respect, and a whole lot of money. These men are allowed to beat their wives and kick them unconscious. They beat the hell out of their kids like good fathers. They run dog-fighting rings and place the losers in the ground. They occasionally get away with murder. But these are real men, goddamn it. They are not like you or I. They put their bodies at risk every Sunday for the glory of the sport. What do you do every Sunday, you fat slug? You watch some goddamn football.

Don't you love it when a penalty is called? That means we can break for a commercial, and I hope you like watching commercials, because there are a whole lot of them during a football game. We got to get that ad money, you see. There are pockets to be padded. Perhaps you need Viagra or Depends. Maybe you need a Mercedes Benz. You are only a shadow silhouette compared to the real men out there playing America's game. You will watch our commercials which seek to undermine your masculinity because you love this game. You will eat what we feed you.


Our cities let their education funding disappear in order to build another stadium for millionaires. We have our priorities straight, you see. There is football to be played, football to be watched. We want our children to become football players. We want their brains to melt out of their ears. Real men can take concussions, after all. You can't even get a boner without Cialis. Who are you to dictate morality to real men? I'll tell you who you are. You are nothing. You are a watcher, and we are players.

Are you ready for some football? Christ, I hope so. The NFL might be an evil organization, but, shit, it gives us football. I will watch. You will watch. Everyone will watch. No one will be unhappy but the pussies.

INTERNET AD BOT ENDING TRANSMISSION TO GO SULK IN A CORNER...

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