Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Esteemed Critic's Multiple-Sentence Reviews

Ah, here he is, the self-professed Dean of Rock critics. This blog post is for you.

Greetings, readers and troglodytes. I have been on sabbatical for a while, adventuring in the African savanna, sleeping with the lions and dealing with the bushmen, though the recent Ebola outbreak has sent me scurrying home like a frightened nyala antelope. During my time in the bush, there have been many new releases in music and cinema, and I know my loyal audience would not consume any piece of art without my approval. So let's get this over with. I know you all are eager to throw your money away on mass-manufactured products constructed to appeal to your lesser faculties, so here you go, cretins. Read away. None of this stuff is worth more than a sentence, as Robert Christgau would say, so excuse my brevity. I have better things to do with my time. Let the skewering begin.

Weezer--Everything Will Be Alright in the End. Everything is not alright; could it be that Rivers Cuomo was only capable of one good album, and everything he has released since Pinkerton has been objectively terrible? Wait, wait, I'm not done, the kebab needs more roasting. Rivers Cuomo was born in a dumpster, having been aborted by the ghost of Buddy Holly after he was taken outback by Elvis Costello and given a good fucking. To escape the details of his creation, he surrounded himself with Cheap Trick albums and a notebook, but like any monstrosity, he could do nothing but ape his primitive influences. I Want You to Want Me was the blueprint--he added some distortion copped from Nirvana as well as some adolescent whine--but years later, after some stumbling success, he knows not what to do, for there are only so many variations of Cheap Trick songs one can cobble together. This album is a plea to fans that no longer exist. The world you knew no longer exists, Cuomo. You are nothing but demon spawn. Elvis should've worn a condom.

Minnie Driver--Ask Me to Dance. How do you like them apples? I like them not.

Tinashe--Aquarius. Yet another model/actress pushed into the music industry so that we don't run out of pretty girls who cannot sing without the aid of a roomful of electronic pitch-correcting machinery.

Johnny Marr--Playland. An overrated guitarist for an overrated band releases a solo album that no one asked for. There is not enough jangling.

Movies. Let us review them now.

Gone Girl. Did you know Ben Affleck is Batman? Why do people care? Do they believe Ben Affleck is a bad actor? He's not. Do they think the role of Batman is equivalent to Hamlet? It's not. Is he not buff enough for you, Internet? Why don't you find something better to do with your time, like watching this movie. Pull yourselves away from the porn and deviancy and go outside. Yes, that bright light is the sun. No, it will not harm you.

Left Behind. Nicholas Cage is crazy. Christian fundamentalists are crazy. Therefore, there is a certain logic in this pairing. Left Behind is a terrible movie, however. You'd have more fun shoplifting a copy of the novel. Don't read it, though. The fun will cease.

Dolphin Tale 2. Greatest film since Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito teamed up in the cinematic masterpiece Twins.

This is Where I Leave You. Jason Bateman, we are tired of your face. Do something about it. Anything. Something drastic. You will not be mourned.

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