Thursday, October 16, 2014

Conan Brothers Q&A


Scared&stupid asks "Yo dawgs, what should we do 'bout this ebola outbreak? Do I need to build a bunker and stock up on supplies?"

Arnold: A bunker's never a bad idea. Hell, I sleep in our bunker half of the time. It's roomy, and I don't have to listen to Dave's snoring, which echoes through the house like the roar of a goddamn buffalo.

Dave: Buffalos don't roar, jackass.

Arnold: Bison, right? Did you just say "buffalos?"

Dave: To answer the asshole's question, I wouldn't start panicking about ebola yet. We have little faith in the government's ability to control the disease, yet it's not as contagious as the media would have you believe. Just keep other people's fluids off of you, and stay away from anybody that's been to West Africa.

Arnold: You're gonna have a tough time keeping other people's fluids off of you.

Dave: Everybody should settle down and thank God that this isn't the super-flu, because I really don't want to end up in a Stephen King novel.

Arnold: The Stand is a pretty good one, though.

Dave: That'd be one of the worst to live in. Everyone dies, dude. And there's an evil monster guy in Las Vegas that can transform into a crow. The Walking Dude!

Arnold: Fuck, we could take him. And I've already gotten the flu this year. Bring on the apocalypse!

Dave: That's what you say every night after your bedtime prayers.

Arnold: To Satan. He's a solid bro.


GunzferDaGirls asks "How do I get big arms? I want motherfucking twenty-twos!"

Dave: Steroids.

Arnold: The answer for everything.

Dave: My arms are like sixteen inches, but I'm only five-seven, so I guess they look pretty big.

Arnold: I got an inch on you, brotha!

Dave: I got an inch on you where it counts.

Arnold: Do biceps curls for five sets at least once a week. Do some sort of pressing exercise three times a week for the triceps. I never do anything for my triceps besides pressing. I used to do high rep pulldowns, which helped a little, but made my elbows hurt. Just curl religiously and maybe do some chin ups. You don't need to devote an hour every workout to biceps.

Dave: Gaining weight is probably the best way to get big arms. You have to develop the rest of your body. Now I've seen a few guys who just have big arms and nothing else, and they look stupid, and they're weak. You can do it, is what I'm saying, but having twenty-two inch biceps shouldn't be a priority unless you're a pro bodybuilder.

Arnold: I need to get my pro card, by the way. And gain like thirty pounds.

Dave: You certainly have your priorities in life straight.


SonicIsHot asks "You guys played Alien: Isolation? It's pretty good."

Arnold: Only played about an hour, but I like it so far.

Dave: The alien is actually scary, because you can't kill it. The monster has been so overexposed through all the shitty movies and video games, that this alone is quite a feat. Survival horror is getting to be a big genre.

Arnold: It's funny how different Alien is from Aliens. One's a sci-fi horror movie, ripe with psycho-sexual themes, while the other's a straight up eighties action flick. I love them both, but the original is the deeper film.

Dave: The essence of the horror of the alien is that it's inexplicable. It's been said that the original is the greatest Lovecraft movie ever made. None of the sequels understood this, from Alien vs. Predator to Prometheus.

Arnold: Prometheus is sort of like the Star Wars prequels. It proves that directors age, and lose their knack for making great movies.

Dave: I wouldn't go that far. I don't know if Scott has the protective ego cocoon surrounding him that Lucas did.

Arnold: A protective cocoon made out of money and Star Wars figurines.

Dave: And Ewok hides.

Arnold: And the souls of lost children.

Dave: Okay, that's enough for this week. We got shit to not do.

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