It's time to treat yourself, fool. That bad decision that you're considering? You deserve to make a bad decision every once in awhile. So what if you try to pay the mortgage with a credit card? You needed a treat. Only consumption can make you feel better.
Treat yourself to a five-thousand dollar gaming computer. Treat yourself to a thirty-thousand dollar car. Treat yourself to an entire box of chocolate donuts. Inhibitions are for people who never treat themselves. Online shopping is the only time you feel truly human. Nothing but outrageous purchases can get your dopamine receptors humming.
Recovering alcoholic? Treat yourself to a couple bottles of gin. Overweight and dieting? You can hear the call of ten candy bars. Treat yourself is just another term for binging. Throw your brain out the window and treat yourself. Just do it, you fool.
Think of what might happen if you never treat yourself. You might have money to spend. You might be able to pay your bills. Your happiness may not be tied to our consumer economy. Nobody wants that. The engine of modern society burns on the oil of mindless consumption. If you aren't consuming, you are not providing fuel for America. It's your patriotic duty to treat yourself and never mind the consequences.
You think I've never treated myself? Well... shit. The last time I truly treated myself was when I was twelve years old, and I spent one-hundred dollars of my yard mowing money on a Star Wars toy set I knew I wasn't going to play with. I had buyer's remorse almost immediately. That experience messed me up inside. I never learned how to enjoy buying things.
Maybe I will treat myself. Maybe I will buy a bunch of video games I don't have time to play. Maybe I'll add another car payment. Maybe I'll...someone help me. Seems I don't know how to treat myself.
Someone help me treat myself. I want to be the fool. I have cash I'm willing to burn. Just tell me what to spend it on to make myself feel better.
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