Hanging with the Goon

Ucle Thom and his drank.

Boy folks, its been a relly long time since teh ol' Goon wrote on Teh Pointless Venture website, portal to teh unknown and key to eldrich knowledge. Since I last spoke wit you'alls, I's been married twice, been divorced three times, got put in jail, an' lost me job to a brachiasaurus named Dan. Hah! See if you can spot teh truth from teh tall fables. Its all good in teh Goon's world. I still work at teh orchard, an' old Sam's still kickin', though he's about 95 an I don't think he'll last much longer. last week I had food poisonin' somethin' awful. You don't know how much you value yur regular bowl movement until you've had about ten of them in a row. You see, this is teh slow season at teh orchard, and all teher is for me to do is clean teh rat poop off teh apples in storage. I must've gotten too much poop on me hands, cuz when I went home and fixed up some roadkill stew, I got an awful case of teh poops. Slack's system handled teh roadkill a bit better than I's because he's all rotten inside and he's basically a homeless person at tehis point in his awful life. They hired him down at teh local grocery store an he stacks soda pop cans all day, and in teh evening he hides in teh back and smokes meth like god intended. Anyways, after I got poisoned, brown mud was comin' out my backside like a mudflow during a rain storm, despite my many attempts to plug up wit paper and wads of grass. Being plugged up is about teh worst feelin' in teh world. I don't know how so many peoples do it.

I wasn't lying bout being married at least once. I met a catfish on teh internet, and she turned out to be a real person, albeit one wit hair on her face. Now don't think teh Goon to be too picky--he takes it as it is given-- but teh hair commin outta her ears was teh bigger ditrement to my attraction, but I overcame it wit a lot of alcohol and some positive thinkign. Her name was Deliliah. Liek teh flower. After our initial date at McDonalds, we went back to teh trailer and played a little bit of a viedo game Slack just stole called Anthem. In this video game, you shoot a bunch of mooks and pick up loot taht falls out of their bums. It hit a little close to home, is waht I'm sayin. After teh game, which blew up my tv, we made out for about thirty minuetes. We decided to get married soon afters. Its a beautiful feelin, bein in love. I hope it never hapens to me again.

Anyways, my beautful existence soon came to an abrupt and udder end. Me and Delieah was struttin on teh promenande when we was approached by an officer of teh law. My first instinct in such a situation is usualy to hall ass liek a grizzly bear was after my insides, but Deliealih beat me to teh punch. She ran into teh street and was ran over by a bus taht instint. I learned latter from teh cop taht she was wanted on three acounts of midget trafficing and on instanct of human cannibalisation. Alas it was not to be. When it rains on teh Goon, it pours. Lemme tell you about it sometime.