Ah, folks, it's not that time again. It's your turn to apologize, not mine. Apologizes are overrated nowadays. The way partisanship works, no one ever has to apologize besides Democrats. The GOP can do no wrong. The man at the top can do no wrong. The President is the most blameless individual ever to walk on this earth since Jesus Christ. Instead of accepting the wisdom of the Electoral College, the Democrats have wasted two years and countless millions of dollars investigating a man who has never done a wrong thing in his life. Haha, gimme a minute, it's hard for me to say that with a straight face. Got to keep practicing, you know. The media will never really challenge me on statements like that. Got to hear both sides, remember? It doesn't matter how dumb one side is. Fair and balanced is the biggest coup we ever engineered.
So yeah, people, where's the apology? Media, I'm looking at you. You haven't been entirely team players. Sure, you get distracted by Twitter or racist remarks while we're appointing federal judges without any Democratic input, but who gives a shit about that? Lemme tell you a secret: ol' Mitch is trying to stack the deck against ya'll. Kind of hard to pass major pieces of liberal legislation when there's a conservative firewall in the federal court system, eh? Don't matter if our base is smaller than yours. We're not playing by the same rules.
Take all those Democrats running for President. You think any of them can afford to slip up? Hell no. They're gonna be compared to the President, and their base will hold them accountable. They still need to apologize. Lemme tell ya a good story. Yesterday I used a racial slur at a McDonalds after involuntarily launching into a ten minute diatribe on poor people and how they smell. Somebody caught the whole thing on video and posted it on the internet. A couple years ago, my political career might have been over. Instead, what we do is we seed doubt over everything. You couldn't see everything in the video, I said. I was being harassed by a poor person and a person of color, therefore I was blameless in revealing my prejudices. The video was doctored anyway. Eventually, I had the goddamn media actually apologizing to me! Can you believe it? This is a new era we are living in, an era free of sin. You can't pin anything on anyone anymore. Go ahead, investigate. Go ahead, reporters, dig and dig. We have the wisdom of Obi-wan Kenobi. The truth depends on a certain point of view.
So apologize, folks. We're waiting.
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