Superbowl Review

There's nothing to be proud of, Tom. That was a boring-ass game.

So I watched the Superbowl, like every god-fearing, red-blooded American. Balls were thrown. People were tackled. Nobody scored any points. You could either root for the evil Trump-supporting dynasty, or the other evil fucking owner, so the best choice was to just watch the game with a grim sense of distaste. Adam Levine came out during the half-time show, and I realized that I actually had heard a Maroon Five song. There were several commercials, none of which were memorable. The whole thing was an over-hyped, boring waste of time.

The Superbowl is this bizarre celebration of America's most popular sport and capitalism, and I think our collective weariness with both is finally showing. Football's ratings continue to decline, just like everything else. Nobody watches live TV. Our cultural touchstones, be they football or sitcoms, are vanishing like endangered species. What are we going to talk about around the non-existent watercooler? People like to blame this shit on Millennials, but we didn't make the Superbowl unwatchable. I'm sorry we don't want to go to TGIFridays. Why must the cycle continue? Did you think that Applebees was going to last for millennia? Did you think that everyone would always gather around the family big screen to watch a sport that doesn't care about its athletes or its fans? 

Congratulations to Tom Brady, you vapid, good-looking Superbowl mainstay. Congratulations to the Krafts and their piles of money. Congratulations to anyone who actually made it through the game, for I applaud your devotion to the memories of yesteryear.

I realize that this was less a review and more of a collection of vaguely-related complaints. You want a score? Five-stars. I cannot think of any spectacle that more represents the decline of western civilization than the 2019 Superbowl. What a true piece of art.