Poop in the Potty, Get Ice Cream

I've got a deal for you, a once in a lifetime deal: poop in the potty, and you'll get a treat. Just repeat that to yourself for a while. Let it sink in. Think about the deliciousness of ice cream and how you could be eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream right now. All I require from you is to move your bowels in the potty rather than in your pants.

I hear the doubt in your voice. "Poop in the potty, get ice cream?" you say, as though I wouldn't reward you for not pooping in your pants. You've been pooping in your pants for a long time now. Pooping in your pants is all that you've ever known. Change is hard and can be scary. But I assure you that there is nothing scary, for you at least, about pooping in the potty. Sure, what you deposit in the potty might scare me slightly, but rest assured that I am made of strong stuff. Coming to terms with the size and consistency of your feces is part of growing up. There is no terror in pooping in the potty.

Now, now, there should be no tears shed while pooping on the potty. God knows you eat enough fiber. Those are crocodile tears, son. Let me honest with you: I do not enjoy changing your pants. Unimaginable, right? I know you think it's an honor for me to change your pants, but let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes I get poo in my hands; sometimes the smell is awful. You would really be doing me a solid if you pooped on the potty. But let's not make this all about me. It's really about you, after all.

 
Part of the transition from baby to boy is pooping in the potty. It's also part of the transition from boy to man. Did you know that Daddy very seldom does not poop in the potty? That's right--I see the look of disbelief marring your features. You can't believe that Daddy does not poop his pants. Listen, son, if Daddy starts pooping his pants, there's a problem. That's one of the difference between children and adults. Kids are allowed an accident or two, but not Daddy. If Daddy poops his pants, then something terrible has occurred, and such an incident would be cleaned up by Daddy himself. If I went to your Grandpa and asked him to change my pants... well, let's not even wargame that scenario. Just believe me. You can't poop your pants forever.

Poop in the potty, get ice cream. This is a limited time offer, and you best take advantage of it. I don't get ice cream for pooping in the potty. The only reward I receive is the sweet satisfaction of knowing that I didn't poop in my pants, and some day, that'll have to be enough for you too, son.