- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
Things Mathew McConaughey Thinks While Driving His Lincoln
"I look goddamn good for a guy who never wears deodorant."
"When I look in the mirror, I can't imagine a more perfect human face."
"When people think of Mathew McConaughey, what do they think of? Fool's Gold? Reign of Fire? True Detective? Oh god, please don't let them think of Fool's Gold."
"Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."
"If I could do it all over again, I'd be a naked bongo player in an art collective based out of Austin, Texas."
"What's the female equivalent of Mathew McConaughey? It would have to be someone who always has their shirt off and smells like Indian food. Lena Dunham? No, that can't be right."
"If my penis looked like my face, would I still get laid?"
"Jesus would drive a Lincoln. Not because they paid him to, but because he would like it."
"How many burritos is too many burritos?"
"Jedi is a religion, right? Because I'm either Jedi or Unitarian."
"Pants should be optional. What asshole invented pants? He was probably a Democrat."
"Sometimes when I watch my own movies, I want to knock my teeth out. Then I realize that's because I embody perfection in the physical arena. We hate the things that we don't understand, and I suppose that means that I don't comprehend myself."
"Queers and steers. Queers and steers. Queers and steers."
"If I have another child, I'm naming it 'Hindu Kush.'"
"I'm driving this goddamn boat because they paid me to drive it."
"I'm rich. Rich. Rich. Rich."