- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Theories on Stranger Things
Netflicks' Stranger Things is a glorious mishmash of prime Steven Spielberg and Stephen King, set in everyone's favorite decade, the eighties. Because you probably binged all eight episodes in a two day period, you might be feeling a little withdrawal. To help combat this, Pointless Venture is offering plausible theories to what will happen during Season Two. Let the guessing begin!
1) Barb returns from the dead. Even though we last saw her in a decomposing state with a slug crawling out of her mouth, everyone's favorite eighties' cliche is guaranteed to come back for Season Two, because the internet loves her so. I'm guessing she'll be the monster this time around, though.
2) The toothless kid gets some front teeth. That chunky kid who slurred his way into our hearts (I guess his name is Dustin) will grow an adorable pair of buck teeth that'll come in handy while fighting the Demogorgan.
3) Hopper is a clone of Jack Nicholson. Dude looks like Jack from The Shining. Will we get an official confirmation? I want to see Hopper chop down a door with an ax while doing his best Johnny Carson impression.
4) Eleven will reappear with a full head of hair. With no evil government organization to shave her head, El will certainly have luscious blonde locks when she returns from whatever netherworld she disappeared to.
5) The Demogorgan will admit to being a knock off of Alien's Xenomorph. I'm expecting the Demogorgan to shamefully reappear with its faceless head hung low and a copy of H.R. Giger's Necronomicon clutched in its claws to issue an apology in the Predator's language.
6) We will get another sweet techno soundtrack. Was season one's music from the eighties? I don't know: it sounded more like the background to a pulpy Sci-Fi flick to me.
7) Season Two will not be as good as Season One. This is a given. Either Hopper will turn out to be a secret agent, or Upside Down will be revealed to have taken place in El's head, or some other crackpot theory will actually be true and the weight of the show's mythology will lead to a self-collapse a la The X-Files. You don't have to answer certain questions: we don't need to know the true nature of the Demogorgan or the alternate universe. Leaving a little mystery is good. We all want another season, but oftentimes, we don't know what is good for us.