Monday, February 1, 2016

How to Make America Great Again

Trump isn't going away, people. The scourge of American politics continues to defy the odds and propel himself to the top of the Iowa polls. And that's just great, really. Our political systems has devolved to the point where a demagogue with a toupee can stand at a podium and spew an incoherent message of hate and double-speak while a significant section of the American electorate gobbles it up. It's almost as if the average voter doesn't have the slightest idea what qualities to look for in a Presidential candidate. But democracy (or whatever it is we actually have) is a beautiful system, integral to the American way of life, no matter its faults. I for one am looking forward to helping future President Trump make America great again. Let's look at what the Donald will do as Commander in Chief.

1. Fire the mass media. You're fired! That's the Donald's catchphrase. With his newfound presidential powers (the extent of which the American people seem to be in ignorance of), Mr. Trump should do whatever it takes to make America great again, and that includes getting rid of CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News. The first two are too liberal, and the latter is biased against Trump, and the Donald will not tolerate dissension in his new world order. Rupert Murdoch has had his time in the sun; it's time for a hostile takeover, baby. All media outlets will be replaced by Trump News, Inc. Thanks to a deal with fellow billionaire Vince McMahon, Trump News will merge with the WWE network. Now you can watch Stone Cold Steve Austin use the stunner on the CEO in chief 24/7 without any of that biased news coverage getting in the way. Say thanks, America.

2. Get rid of 'em (the illegals). America must be kept safe from its underpaid slave-labor force. Like the Spartans declaring war on the Helots, Trump says that it's open season on Pedro and Sanchez. Unfortunately, this will be one of the Donald's biggest mistakes. A construction crisis will unfold all over the country, as a vast majority of the roofing industry is rounded up into camps. Farmers in California will also report food shortages, because picking peaches in the hot sun sucks, and Americans are too fat and lazy to perform such work for five dollars an hour. Still, greatness level rising.

3. Put China in its place! Now that the Donald has the nuclear codes, China better shape up! There's a new CEO in town and it's not Mr. Pajama Pants! Bluster and personal attacks are great when you're running for the Republican nomination in front of a bunch of barely-sentient geriatrics. Politicking on the world stage, however, is a little different. Hopefully our new president will keep his ego in check long enough to not start World War 3. I wouldn't count on it, though. Greatness level nearly through the roof.

4. Get rid of 'em (Muslims). Religious freedom is one of the core values of our Republic. Not under Trump's reign! Ship 'em out or put them in camps. Might as well throw any dissidents with them; political freedom is outdated as well. The Donald feels your hate and anger, and like the Emperor, he wants you to embrace the power of the dark side. Greatness level incalculable.

5. Invent time-travel. President Trump will take us back to the 1950's, when America was producing half of what the world was, and people didn't get divorced (Presidential privilege only), and minorities knew their place, and women stayed at home and labored in the kitchen, and (white) men could be men and do what whatever the fuck they wanted. We have to get rid of the internet, though, in order to travel back in time. This will spark the Great Revolt. You can take everything away from us, Donald, but we'll be damned if you take away our cat memes and our free pornography. Get the message? You're fired.

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