Sunday, February 21, 2016

How to Know if You Suffer from Donkey Brains

You likely suffer from a debilitating condition known as "Donkey Brains" if you experience any of the following:

1. You find yourself thinking about cheese, and how good it feels on your feet.

2. You drink a case of Pepsi-Cola an hour "for your health."

3. You greet each dog and cat you meet with either "Sir," or "Madame."

4. You believe calculators to be a form of witch-magic.

5. When you feel a shadow pass overhead, you run cowering, screaming about "the eagles."

6. You were known in High School as "Donkey Brains," or "That guy who eats glue."

7. Your best friend is a frog-mutant who never acknowledges your presence directly.

8. Most of your income comes from various low-paying side-jobs, mostly involving trash collection or fetish fulfillment.

9. Your only real goal in life is to see how much you can drink everyday.

10. You're more worried about the sudden appearance of clowns than credit card debit.

11. Everything you've ever owned has been either leased or stolen.

12. When you pass a computer, you feel compelled to press the buttons of its keyboard by smashing your knuckles against the keys.

13. Besides "Donkey Brains," people often call you "Garbage Breath," or "Ape Boy."

14. You agree with anything Donald Trump has ever said.

15. Your fingernails smell like fish dicks.

16. Most of your biomass is composed of adipose tissue due to your daily consumption of Papa John's pizza.

17. You often wonder outloud if God is just a scheme invented by the Pope just so he can wear all of those funny hats.

18. You think money actually grows on trees.

19. You believe in leprechauns.

20. You have been clinically diagnosed with "Donkey Brains."

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