Monday, January 4, 2016

Won't Somebody Shoot Me?


I thought this would be easier. When I was approached by a bunch of crazy militiamen about possessing a wildlife refuge headquarters and making a safe place for gun-wielding patriots to evade prison, I thought "Sure, what the hell." I've been wanting to kill myself for some time now, I just haven't had the courage. Plus, I've always hated the government. DMV? Hate 'em. Mailman? Not too friendly. IRS? None of their damn business. Best to go out in a blaze of glory.

But I don't think I could shoot anybody. These other guys, well, yeah they definitely could. They're the angriest bunch of people I've ever met. You'd think they were living in an Orwellian dystopia. They sure don't look like it. These are some well-fed people. Well-armed, too. I'm pretty sure one of these guys has a lasergun. I didn't know you could get those. Only in America, hah.

Ever since I lost my job as an accountant, things have just sucked. My wife left, taking the kids. My dog died from eating an onion. My car was repossessed. My zest for life basically went down the shitter. I thought about seeing a counselor, but there isn't the money, and really, what could they say? These people don't live in the real world. Well, neither do these militia guys, I suppose. Am I the only one with a firm grasp on reality? Am I the only one who recognizes the approaching blackness, the yawning abyss of existence? It has nothing to do with Obama or federal land policies. It has everything to do with the difficulties of consciousness in a savage, heartless world. I'd rather be a lamppost than a human being. Did I really just say that? Christ.


So I shaved my head and grew a beard. I started posting angry videos on Youtube, waving the Constitution around like I wanted to bludgeon someone to death with it. I don't know what my aim was. Funny how the universe works. The militia approached me and I saw an opportunity, and now I'm huddled in a government building with a bunch of crazy bastards waiting to see if they are coming to shoot us. The real problem is that we don't have a single black guy or Muslim person in this entire militia. We're just a group of white people. I thought about tying something around my head to try to make a turban, but that's a bad idea, and pretty racially insensitive. Probably won't even go to prison.

Goddamn it. Maybe if I start yelling gibberish and firing my gun in the air, they'll put me out of my misery. Allah Ackbar, right? Wait, isn't that the name of the giant fish thing from Star Wars? Christ, I don't know.

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