Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench, Part 4


Braun Strowman--This porcine-eyed member of the Wyatt family is a monster of a man but never fear, you can smell him coming from 400 yards away. A terrible cricket mishap has left this eater of worlds permanently incontinent. He also never learned how to change his pants. Stench rating, out of ten--9.


Tyler Breeze--Like many NXT guys, Prince Pretty seems unable to carve out a spot on the mid or upper card and will probably be regulated to permanent jabroni status. Due to his general overuse of beauty products, Breeze smells like a chemical factory waiting to explode. He also doesn't wear deodorant. Stench rating--6.


Bo Dallas--Apparently, all you have to do is Bolieve and you'll get out of low card hell, if Bo's newly-formed stable Social Outcasts are to be taken seriously (they're not). A jobber with the exact same gimmick as New Day, Bo always looks like he's wrestling in a pair of Depends. I have a secret: He is, and boy, do they smell. A ten time winner of Most-Likely-To-Shit-His-Pants-In-The-Ring, Mr. Dallas is one smelly son of a bitch. Stench rating--10.


Becky Lynch--The Lass-Kicker has recently benefited from one of the WWE's more compelling feuds (not that that's saying much) and is now the Divas Division's top face. I don't know what she smells like, but if you do, let me know. Please. Stench rating--0.


The Big Show--Weellll........It's the Big Show! It's a big, bad show tonight! Wait, what they hell does that mean? This guy's theme song doesn't make any sense. He's also way past his expiration date in more ways than one. If you took a poop in a box and then left it down by the river to marinate with all of the rotting fish carcasses for a week, then you might have an idea what Big Show's underwear smells like. Legend has it that his concubines have their nasal passages removed so that they can stimulate the Big Show in a big, bad way without passing out or dying on the spot. Stench rating--10.


Jericho--At last, we have Y2J. Dude, we know you were the shit in the Attitude Era, but, Jesus, you look like somebody's dad who is trying way too hard to let your kids know how cool you are. From his systematically tousled hair to his rocking' dad bod to his asinine chants of "Rooty, tooty, booty," there is nothing to like about an old has-been like Jericho returning to take time and exposure away from younger wrestlers, although I'll give him credit for letting up and comers go over him, unlike some people on the roster (Undertaker; occasionally Kane and Cena). What does Jericho smell like? Desperation, that's what. Oh, and probably your mom. Stench rating--8

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