Friday, December 12, 2014

A Brief Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I want a toothbrush for Christmas. It has to have a green handle. I like soft bristles, not hard ones, because hard bristles strip the ivory from my teeth, and I want to be able to sell my teeth eventually. The black market on ivory is hot. My wife tells me that I am not an elephant.

I also would like a nine-millimeter Glock so that I can shoot all the birds in my yard. They are spies sent from the fairy land, and I'll be damned if I let them fly back and tell all of those poofters what I'm doing. This is America, goddamnit. There are laws against stuff like this. Please also include plenty of ammunition, in case there's anything else I'd like to shoot.

It would be nice to receive a dog that does not bark. My current model does nothing but bark, and sometimes he says horrible things. He is a very bad pervert dog. He smells like rotten eggs and he will eat anything, and I mean anything. I once removed an intact rubber glove from his stool. His digestive system must be a straight shot. Please replace him at once.

A copy of E.T. The Extraterrestrial would be a nice stocking stuffer. It is a classic film about a little girl's friendship with a disfigured homeless man. The government comes to break it up because it turns out that the homeless man is a child predator. They shoot him and push his bicycle into the lake and it's a happy ending.

I am eating eggs right now that are so burnt that I believe I am consuming blackness. For Christmas, I would like to learn how to cook.

P.S. Please do not come down the chimney because my evil dog will attack you, and the last thing I need is another law suit. Thank you, Santa, for everything you do. You are a magical person.

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