My fellow Americans, this is no time for violence. I know some of you are running wild outside my office in the Capital Building at this moment clad in your MAGA gear and armed to the teeth. My peers and I may even be somewhat to blame for the fomenting sea of misinformation circulating in the right wing cesspools of the internet. However, we take no responsibility for our actions, so everybody needs to settle down on both sides of the aisle. To the hillbilly horde: maybe sorta cut it out? I want you to vote for me, and you won't vote for me unless I suck Trump's micropenis while defecating on the American flag, but I never expected to suffer any consequences for my seditious acts. I certainly never thought I'd be huddling down in the secret tunnels that run underneath the Capital making friends with the mole people. I guess you can only pour so much gasoline on a fire before it explodes, but what do I know about science? Science is for Democrats and people who don't believe in White Jesus. To the rest of America: how about you cut it out with that traitor talk? Look, everybody in Washington is out for themselves. There ain't no Republican here that wouldn't eat a baby if doing so would secure him or her another term. Scruples are something communists believe in. Don't go try to hold us accountable because you know and I know that all that matters is rampant partisanship no matter the cost.
It seems like things are dying down upstairs. I hope nobody got hurt. If they did, it certainly wouldn't be my fault. Sure, just minutes ago I was trying to persuade my fellow Congressmen to throw out legitimate votes, but hey, I was just trying to buy myself some political capital. Four years from now, I want to be the one sitting in the White House. Instead of sucking micropenis, I'll be having my own micropenis sucked. That is, if I can somehow con 74 million Trumpers into voting for a Harvard educated lawyer. I can feign stupidity with the best of them. Unfortunately, I fear that they really want the real thing. Lemme tell you something, suckers: nobody is as stupid as Donald Trump.
Except maybe us, I guess.
We're the ones that built conservative talk radio. We're the ones that supported Fox News. We benefited from the nonsense of Breitbart. We made subtle overtures to white supremacists while denying that we knew what we were doing. We retweeted Pepe memes; we liked the Proud Boys. We did every goddamn anti-democratic trick in the book, from gerrymandering to voter purges to stacking the judiciary with Federalist-society partisans. We took a reasonably sane half of the American electorate and brainwashed them with conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory until their critical reasoning skills atrophied like a sac of castrated balls. When Trump threatened to burn it all down, we said: why not? He can't be serious, and there's no possible way it could backfire. Nobody fires up the base like Trump.
Four years from now, don't remember any of this, alright? Because no one has anything to apologize for.
I hope I make it out of this alive.
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