Hello, America. In different times, I might be stepping up to give a press conference apologizing for my reckless spread of the coronavirus amongst my fellow senators. Thankfully, those times are long gone, and nobody apologizes for anything anymore. You can believe I did something wrong, but you, sir, are actually wrong because as a medical doctor and sasquatch enthusiast I know more than you, buddy. Which one of us is a United States Senator? Yeah, I thought so.
So what if I had myself tested for the coronavirus and didn't self-quarantine? I got myself a platinum healthcare plan and a wilful disregard for the safety of others. Do you really expect me not to work out in the Senate gym or swim in the Senate pool? What am I, a plebeian? Libertarians have no rules, motherfucker. Especially Kentucky libertarians. I was a goddamn ophthalmologist, for chrissakes. I might technically be a medical doctor, but Ben Carson was a brilliant brain surgeon, so obviously you can be sort of smart in one area and completely fucking stupid in another. Not that I did anything stupid, of course. Don't think I'm apologizing.
I think you people who are trying to hold me accountable for my reckless endangerment of our old-ass Senate should maybe just accept that I am an asshole and live with it. I am such an asshole that my neighbor attacked me while I was mowing the yard and broke several of my ribs, resulting in the partial removal of one of my lungs. Before you feel sorry for me, think of what sort of evil could cause a mild-mannered anesthesiologist to risk federal prison? Is it possible that the reoccurring sight of my person provokes such a violent response? I dunno, but the good people of Kentucky reelected me by a considerable margin in 2016, so ya'll can go fuck yourselves.
Did I actually say that? Wait, do we even care anymore what we say? The President doesn't, and I'm a loyal member of Donnie Two-Scoops's Stable Genius band of sociopaths known as the Republican Party, so yeah, I said it. Fuck ya'll silly. I'd rather piles of people died than increase the federal deficit anymore, unless we're planning on cutting taxes for millionaires or screwing 9/11 first responders. I'm not up for reelection till 2022, and you bet your ass all the hillbillies in Kentucky will vote for me over a Democrat. Christ, Moscow Mitch is our other senator. Education pays, eh?
Alrighty, then. I guess this is over. Everybody get back to work and start this economy up. Your slave masters are losing money in the stock free fall. Oh, well some of them aren't. Why didn't anybody tell me to sell my stocks? Maybe everyone really does hate me.
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