Hello there, this is Dan Patrick, Lt. Governor of the great state of Texas, and I'd like ya'll to know that you can all die to save this great economy. Like my fellow Reptilians in the GOP, I believe that the most important thing right now in this pandemic is to make sure all the rich people don't lose any money. Money, as the Bible tells us, is the best thing in the world. You use it to buy things, and as Jesus taught us, you can take all the things that you buy with you into Heaven. Have I ever told you about Heaven? Heaven is a country club full of good ole' boys and pure, virginal women who are not allowed on the golf course. When you die you have to bribe Saint Peter in order to get the best caddy, who will make sure you shoot under par when you play against the great Christian leaders of the past, like Nixon and King Charlemagne. I tell ya'll, there'll be a special place in Heaven for President Trump, and I consider it the main ambition of my afterlife to live in whatever idyllic paradise the Good Lord has prepared for him. I figure it will be another country club similar to Mar-a-lago but with even less class and more opportunities for people to pleasure our great leader. Look at those Gary Busey-like chompers I got in the picture above. You think those teeth are pearly white now? Imagine what they'll look like after I've spent an eternity with my face in Donald Trump's asshole. Please give me that opportunity, Jesus.
But anyways, we need to buckle down and start letting people die unless we want to have a Great Depression. You know the Democrats are chompin' at the bit to blame all this death on President Trump. It is China's fault. They engineered this supervirus and released it on their own people. Or maybe they were just studying it and mixing it with AIDS and super cancer and it escaped. Or perhaps it's just a trumped up flu and people are totally overreacting. I dunno, but one of those theories is definitely right. The only thing I know for sure is that you can't trust experts. What do they know? Fancy book learning is one thing, but I get my information from vetted sources, by which I mean people who think exactly like me, only they put their scrambled egg thoughts down on paper much better. The so-called conspiracy nuts were right this one time, weren't they? That means we might as well chuck expertise out the window, along with all the people not healthy enough to survive coronavirus.
When I say that we need to take some losses to preserve our economy, I mean you, personally. You can die. You or your neighbor. Your grandma. Your parents. Everybody you know. They can all die for all that I care.
Hey, vote Republican in November! That is, if any of you are left alive.
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