Name: Not sure anymore since I'm generally referred to by all as "South-Indiana Troll-Beast," or simply "Ogre-Face."
Age: Anywhere between 30 and 85 years.
Looking for: Somebody to hold a pillow over my face; companionship on a superficial level.
Hobbies: Chain-smoking, excessive High Life drinking, snarling, farting, meat-mashing.
Bio: HEY Y'ALL WHO WANTS TO DIVE IN MY POOL FULL OF RACCOON SKELETONS AND SEE HOW MANY THEY CAN KNOCK OUT WITH A CANNON BALL? WILL MEET YOU FOR A CIGARETTE EATING CONTEST. PLEASE BRING THREE CASES OF BEER BECAUSE I CAN'T TALK NO GOOD WITHOUT IT. ALSO, IGNORE MY FANGS, THEY'RE MOSTLY COSMETIC. DON'T WANT ANY HIPPIES UNLESS THEY BRING PLENTY OF DOPE. ALSO IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO LICK YOUR WALLS CLEAN, LEMME KNOW.
Name: Frank Reynolds
Age: 33
Looking for: A brew-knowledgeable lady who will swallow my swill with a smile on her face.
Hobbies: Talking about beer, talking about hops, sourcing locally, generally being a dick about beer.
Bio: Hey all, just looking for companionship in the local farm community, would be great if I met someone who grew their own hops. Obviously, I'm really into beer, so it's a given that you're going to have to be as well. Just started up my own brewery (Frank's Deliciously Skunky Beers) even though there's a microbrewery about every block. Haven't got all the recipes down, so hope you look good holding a bitter beer face! Hah, please bring something not related to beer into my life.
Name: The thing that walks that should not.
Age: 10 (dog years).
Looking for: A tasty treat and a good, smelly place to roll around.
Hobbies: Eating things that are not eatable, pooing in the house, barking at noises no one can hear but me.
Bio: Woof woof! Okay, so I'm writing this for my dog, he's a mixed bread rescue, and I have to be honest, I can't stand the sight of him any longer. I will give you one-hundred dollars to take him off my hands. Do whatever the hell you want; hell, toss him in the river, I don't give a shit. The above picture is really what he looks like. Imagine waking up to that face staring into yours every single day. I didn't do anything to deserve this hell. Wait a minute, this is Pet Finder, right?
Name: The Joker, the Clown-Prince of Crime
Age: ?
Looking for: An abusive relationship with either a male caped crusader playing the role of dominant, or a submissive woman willing to dress as a clown and be beaten with socks filled with soap. A couple would be nice.
Hobbies: Casual murder, clown-themed gags, photography
Bio: Ahahahahah! Yes, this is the Joker, single again! I don't think Harley is coming back after I pushed her off a ten story building! What a riot! Also, Batman is dealing with some personal issues, so I have no one to beat the hell out of me and because of that, I can't sleep well at night. Love's a funny thing, eh? Kinda looking to stay in the superhero scene. If you get your kicks by punching men in the face until they pass out, then please, send me an email. Must be willing not to kill even if I wipe out your whole family. Similarly, I need a woman that can handle being constantly put down as well as the eminent threat of death from a clown-themed source. I know that's complicated, but such is life! If sado-maschicism is your thing, then give the Joker a ring!
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