I'm sorry. I can't stand it anymore. I have an announcement to make to the office. You all are, without exception, a bunch of horrid troll-beasts. Please, have a seat and allow me to elaborate.
Christine, there is no reason to belch aloud fifteen times a day. I'm assuming that there is nothing medically wrong with you, other than your troll lineage. When you belch, your lips vibrate, almost exactly like Homer Simpson's. Do you want to be a fucking cartoon character, Christine? Keep your gases inside yourself, for everyone's sake.
Barbara, you do not need to constantly fart and then laugh about it. It's not that funny; in fact, it's rather sad. Your farts smell like death and brewer's yeast. I can't imagine what you put into your body to make it manufacture an odor so repugnant. I don't want to ever smell any of your farts again.
I feel like I'm the only one who has the slightest idea what constitutes proper office etiquette. And before you say something, Hilda, just because I don't constantly talk about the health of my vagina does not mean that I'm a rich person. I make just as little as you do. I just learned long ago that there are some thing that you do not share with one person, let alone the whole office.
Ted, if you show up tomorrow smelling like a sack of wet Indian food, I swear, I am going to throw up. It's called deodorant, Ted. Apply it liberally, or at least hose yourself off before you walk in the door.
Sandy, I don't understand how one person can produce so much garbage. Do you ever consider the impact you are having on the environment? Of course you don't; you don't see anything wrong with drinking ten diet cokes and then throwing the cans away. Goddamn it, I put the recycling right next to the trash can! I did that for you, Sandy! Fucking try, just a little bit.
That's all this is about, really. I just want you people to fucking try to act like civilized human beings. Pretend that you're meeting the President or Ted Nugent or whoever the fuck you people respect. Would you burp in Ted Nugent's face? Well yes, I know you would, Christine, but I'm talking to the other troll-beasts. There's still hope for some of them.
Well fine then. Keep ignoring me. Continue to be troll-beasts. If you can't manage the slightest sliver of self-respect, then I'll keep referring to you all as subhuman monstrosities. I may work with you all, but I have my dignity. I can keep my bodily gases from noisily escaping my orifices. I'm not a human trash machine. You all can go eat some cigarettes. Troll-beasts.
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