The Best Force Powers

The Last Jedi is out, and I'm going to see it today, so even though I know all the spoilers and how the internet feels, I will have to withhold my review until later. In the meantime, I thought I'd examine all the best force powers in the Star Wars universe. Let's see if your favorite made the cut!

10. Force kick (shown above). Luke Skywalker is such a powerful jedi that his kicks don't even have to connect to do damage.

9. Force door shut. Couldn't find a picture of this, but if you can stomach watching Attack of the Clones, watch how many times Obi-wan waves his hand in front of a door to either open or shut it. It seems like all the doors in the Star Wars universe are automatic, so maybe he was just fucking with us. Still, would kind of be a useful power.

8. Force levitate fruit. As an orchardist, I feel like this would be a cool power. To everyone else, I guess you could take it or leave it. It did help Anakin get laid, which was a real miracle of the force.

7. Force speed. In the entire nine movie saga, force speed appears exactly once, despite the fact that it would undoubtedly come in handy daily. Obi-wan even forgets he can do this when he fails to outrun the red laser gate that separates him from Qui Gon. Well, maybe he didn't forget, but he was too tired or some shit. I dunno. I think Obi-wan is kind of an asshole.

6. Force blast-bolt absorb. I guess there is some controversy among nerds whether or not Vader absorbs this blast or his armor does. Well nerds, if the Empire could make blaster proof gloves, don't you think they could put some of that stuff on Storm Trooper armor? Plus, the prequels retconned Vader into the most powerful jedi of all time, so I'm guessing he doesn't need fancy gloves to stop blaster bolts. Duh. Fucking nerds.

5. Force yoga. Pretty much the entirety of Luke's training with Yoda consists of him doing yoga and pulling leeches off his ass. Yoda was definitely senile, so maybe he wasn't really training Luke to be a jedi, he was just putting him through his workout routine. Then again, I don't think I could balance his diminutive green form on my foot while doing a one-armed handstand, so I guess this is a force power.

4. Force lightning absorb. Maybe this is the same power as Vader uses above; if so, he forgot to use it when the Emperor was electrocuting him during his one-armed military press of old Palps. In any case, why does Yoda not teach this power to anyone else? Mace Windu resorts to using his saber when Palpatine breaks out the electricity, and Luke does nothing but roll on his ass and get fried. Maybe instead of teaching Luke how to balance you and a bunch of rocks, you should teach him how not to get electrocuted by a Sith Lord, you geriatric geezer.

3. Force die of a broken heart. Perhaps Anakin was actually constricting Padme's heart with the force, although the above picture would suggest otherwise. In any case, after this confrontation, Padme pops out Luke and Leia and then drops dead. Truly a terrible power of the dark side.

2. Force levitate robot. Okay, so this differs from Force levitate fruit because nobody in the prequels ever uses the force to levitate a robot, despite fighting robots in every movie. Sure, they use Force push, but if Obi-wan knew how to levitate a robot, his battle with General Grevious would've been over in five seconds. Then again, Obi-wan has a bad habit of forgetting force powers, so who knows?

1. Force button push. Remember when Vader uses the force to flip the switch to the carbonite pit in Empire Strikes Back? That was so cool! Darth Maul couldn't do that; he had to use a rock to smash the controls to open that big gate during Duel of the Fates. Vader was truly a fearsome warrior. He didn't even have to get off his ass to turn on the holovision.