Taking Apart the Tenets of American Conservatism, Part Two

I really don't think I've ever hated anything as much as I hate the Republican Party.

A couple months ago, during a sleepless night, I wrote a post ripping the tenets of American conservatism. There was a lot of dogma that I skipped, however, so I'm back to finish the job. Hold on to your butts, folks. This is going to be a bumpy ride on the river of stupidity.

Principle #6. Lower taxes will fix everything, and lead to prosperity for all! Trickle-down Economics for the win! I can't believe I didn't include this one during my original post, because it's basically the purpose of the Republican Party. It took awhile for this tenet to take hold, however; George H.W. Bush famously referred to the policy of cutting taxes for the wealthy and expecting economic growth for the middle class as "voodoo economics." That's because this policy is bullshit--corporate tax rates are 35 percent currently, much lower than they were in the 1950's, when corporations were taxed over 50 percent. Most corporations get out of even paying that--many don't even pay taxes. How's middle class wage growth over  the last couple decades? Oh, that's right, wages have been stagnant since the 70's, despite the constant increase of productivity. Despite no evidence that tax cuts help anybody but the rich, our wonderful President wants to slash the corporate tax rate to 20 percent, I guess so all of his billionaire buddies can buy an extra jet plane or some shit. Republicans will never stop trying to give more money back to their donors, because they have no other purpose as a political party. Scroll down that list and tell me if you don't throw up. Or don't, it's something of a litmus test. The craziest thing about this principle is that Republicans are constantly talking about the federal deficit as though it's the most dangerous thing since great white sharks. What do you think happens to the deficit when you slash taxes for the rich? Hey assholes, they're the ones with all the money. That's baby's going up.

Principle #7. Abortion is evil, and a woman should be forced to pop out as many babies as God intended, come hell or highwater. For a lot of people, this is the only reason they vote Republican. A lot of brain-addled evangelicals vote straight ticket Republican because they think to do so otherwise would be a mortal sin. Of course, the party is perfectly happy to let the poor drown in their own misery, as long as babies are being made and the earth is being filled with more fucking people than it can handle. The real issue here is not the rights of unborn babies, it's keeping women from having any control over their bodies. Let me ask you something: Let's say men were the sex that carried children. Do you think abortion would be illegal? Hell no, it wouldn't! There would be an abortion clinic on every block, and Trump would've had about fifty by now, and the world would thankfully not be full of pig-men like Eric and Donald Jr.

Principle #8. Immigrants/Minorities/Muslims are destroying our American (White) culture and are not to be trusted. Republicans have been doing this since Nixon's Southern Strategy. They stoke racial or religious resentments, because as Roger Stone said "Hate is a more powerful motivator than love." The primary reason for Trump's win last year was racism rather than economic anxiety, despite how many have tried to spin it. From the GOP's view, it is much easier to pass legislation that directly hurts the majority of their voting base if that base is distracted by a bogeyman like illegal immigrants or Muslims. Undocumented immigrants are actually less likely to commit a crime, and statistically speaking, if you're worried about a terrorist incident, you should watch out for white men, who are responsible for the vast majority of mass shootings.

Principle #9. There is no scientific consensus regarding climate change, and even if there is, humanity is definitely not responsible for it. 97 percent of climate scientists agree that man is responsible for the global warming trend. These are the people who actually study the earth's climate using reason and the scientific method, not your uncle Bob who heard it from Infowars that global warming is a reptilian conspiracy to help China and keep red-blooded capitalists down. We have years of overwhelming data proving this point (the last 12 hottest years on record have all occurred since 1998). Yet climate denialist Scott Pruitt is head of the EPA, and President Trump thinks that snow disproves global warming. This is because the oil and gas industry invests heavily in the GOP, knowing that Republicans won't bite the hand that feeds. Misinformation wins, folks! Even the future of the human race loses to propaganda.

Principle #10. The media/universities/science are liberally biased, and therefore cannot be trusted. Ever had a conversation with a conservative about politics and heard the term "the liberal media?" In their minds, the New York Times, CNN, and the Washington Post are exclusively populated by beret-wearing communists eager to distort the truth in order to push their globalist agenda. This distrust of the media, as well as science, goes back decades; Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich started their assault on reason when they concluded that it was by its very nature contrary to conservative policy. This is where we get the fair and balanced mantra that's been cited by Fox News like some sort of badge of honor. Both sides must be heard, even if one side is plainly wrong. When you seed the seeds of doubt among your base, then they can ignore the facts, no matter how obvious they are. The only the tribe is to be trusted; this is how we get a Congressman saying that Americans "Should get their news directly from the President." That's like getting your news from a man wearing a baby's bonnet and a pair of underwear on his face, and shit, I'd trust this hypothetical crazy over Donald "70 percent of what comes out of my mouth is total bullshit" Trump.

So ends my pointless critique of a political party that long ago lost any credibility whatsoever. I'm sure I changed someone's mind.