Republicans have just passed a sweeping tax plan that's basically a handout to corporations and the filthy rich and are poised to tackle so-called "entitlement reform" (eliminating the social safety net) next year. So it's been a bad year for anyone who doesn't drive a Mercedes or possesses a triple digit IQ as well as a conscience. Republicans have set us up for a future where the gap between the rich and the poor will continue to widen, while public services crumble and our institutions fail. But wait! House Speaker Paul Ryan has the answer that will cure all that ails America! The cure for a robust economy, says the Speaker, is to "have more babies." Ryan's done his part--he can afford to have as many kids as he wants, after all--and now it's time to serve our masters and pump out more chattel to work for minimum wage and shitty healthcare. President Kennedy once said "Ask not what your country can do for you: ask what you can do for your country." Speaker Ryan has simply updated this famous mantra. Ask not what you can do for your country: Ask what you can do for Paul Ryan.
1. Have more babies to keep the economy growing. People just aren't having kids anymore and there are all of these aging baby boomers collecting social security and medicare. Sure, they're won't be any social security or medicare for my generation, but by all means, let's keep supporting the very generation that's responsible for the state our country is currently in. Sure, it's really expensive to have kids (245,000 for one way back in 2013), yet the more you have the less you miss them when they die due to the lack of affordable health care. Great tip, Mr. Speaker!
2. Don't vote. Republicans don't want you to vote. They know they can rely on racist old partisans to believe Fox News and show up at the polls while all of us Millennials dick around with our cellphones or some shit. 100 million people didn't vote last year. That boggles my goddamn mind. Sure, I've been through a stage of my life where I didn't obsess about politics daily--I call that Time Before Trump--but how is it possible that 100 million people are so apathetic about the fate of the United States that they couldn't even show up at the polls? Cynicism and apathy are the true enemies of America. Besides, of course, the Democrats, CNN, radical liberalism, and all those people who want to take our guns away. Right, Mr. Speaker?
3. Don't listen to the news. Every criticism of the President is fake news. Scientists are full of shit. Republicans know better than economists. Believe Fox News and your Facebook news feed, and you'll be doing the Speaker a real solid.
4. Keep swallowing the bullshit. Trickle down economics is real. Violent crime is rising. Sharia law is being enforced in America. Paul Ryan is not an evil hypocrite.
5. Probably the best thing you could do for Paul Ryan and his cronies is to die before you're able to collect any of those social security benefits or that sweet, sweet medicare. Or just die whenever. The Speaker doesn't care. Empathy is for the other side, and the other side has lost. We've always been at war with East Asia. There is no truth but the Supreme Leader's truth. Merry Christmas!
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