Saturday, June 10, 2017

Republican Excuses for the Coming Nuclear Armageddon


Unable to weather the increasing calls for his impeachment for being involved in an Illuminati/Reptilian/Moonpeople ponzi scheme, President Trump decides that he is a Big Man with a Big Gun, and that gun is nuclear. As a multitude of mushroom clouds blossom over the world's horizon, the GOP's bigwigs step up to the plate to cover for their President. After all, who is going to cut taxes for the Rat King or deprive the wasteland's mutants of affordable health care?

House Speaker Paul Ryan: "You have to remember, the President is new at this. He's new at being President. I think we should all give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps total nuclear annihilation is the right direction for America. I think we should all trust the President."

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell: "The President was elected by the American people, and no matter how many lives are lost in the coming months from radioactive fallout, I think we have to keep that in mind."

Senator John McCain: "This President is a fucking... (unintelligible).. must support Party at all costs... dignity, I left you in a Vietnamese prison camp... Goddamn it, we must support the President. Nothing, I mean, nothing else matters."

Congressman Devin Nunes: "The alleged reports of nuclear sunrises are not corroborated by Fox News, so we must assume that they are pure liberal dishonesty. Trust the Whitehouse, not your eyeballs. Anyone who says otherwise is a partisan hack."

Congressman Lamar Smith: "Americans should get their news directly from the President. If the President himself or a Whitehouse surrogate hasn't told you something in person, then don't believe it."

Senator Lindsey Graham: "Well, I can't say that I support the President's decision to turn the country into a radioactive hellscape, but how are we going to tackle tax reform without the cooperation of President Trump? People forget that there's an agenda we have to push here."

Senator Susan Collins: "Nuclear warfare is absolute unacceptable. This President is not making decisions that are good for the American people. Am I going to do anything about it? That's not a fair question. No comment."

Congressman Jason Chaffetz: "(Fart noise)... (rolling belch)... cannot forget about Hillary's emails... (wet, sloppy fart). Let me ask you something: Where was Obama during all of this? I don't think we can let him off the hook. It is possible that he left the Oval Office in such a condition that the President was forced to nuke America. There will be a congressional investigation, I promise you. They won't get away with this."

Senator Rand Paul: "I think we have to blame poor people, particularly people of color, for the President's decision. If they weren't so poor and so prone to getting themselves thrown in jail, then maybe the President wouldn't have been forced to push the nuclear button. Doesn't that make any sense to anybody? I know it does to me."


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