Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Beware the Rat People


Watch out, people. There's a new danger lurking in our streets. Forget about the opioid epidemic. Washington sure has. Bigfoot isn't real, and neither are voodoo economics. But the rat people are. Christ almighty, they are.

There are a lot of stories floating around about the origins of this humanoid-rodent hybrid race. Some say they are a product of government research. Others claim that they come from beyond the stars. I heard an old lady at Walmart ranting about how the rat people rose up out of the earth, bringing with them their rat-dogs and their rat-rats. She was obviously high and probably suffering from years of mental and physical neglect, but I think her hypothesis is worth considering. After all, there are a lot of weird things in the earth.

I went to school with a rat/human hybrid. He was of a generally gregarious disposition, which compensated somewhat for his off-putting appearance. He wasn't terribly intelligent, but that's no mark against him, not in this world. Really, the biggest thing wrong with him was that he was an ardent supporter of the Kentucky Wildcats, despite being from Indiana. That's like being a fucking Yankees fan in Boston. Some sins are forgivable. Others are not.

The rat people are no longer content to lurk in the shadows, however. They have been emboldened by the sea change. A zeitgeist has come to shake our very foundations. There are allegations that the President of the United States himself may be of the rat-human race. Maybe that's the dirt that Russia has on him. I don't know. All I know for sure is that my eyes do not lie. The sons of the father cannot hide their heritage behind executive privilege and ancient malaise. Search your heart. Do these look like human faces?


Congratulations, you killed a leopard, you pieces of shit.

We must not let the proliferation of the rat people continue. Please stop supporting the rat people at the ballot box. Call your congressman, even if he/she is a rat person, and voice your displeasure at the power the rat people have amassed. Let us place them back in the shadows where they belong. There certainly is no place in my America for them.

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