Sunday, June 5, 2016

Imagining Likely Scandals for President Trump


Donald Trump has ran a campaign that's transparently racist, xenophobic, and misogynistic, as well as nonsensical. He's also promoted violence at his rallies. Despite 63 percent of the country having a negative opinion of him, he's essentially neck and neck with Clinton according to some polls. What does this say about America? That we hate Hillary Clinton so much that we're considering voting in a mop-headed buffoon that essentially a caricature of a demagogue? I dunno. I've stopped long ago trying to make sense of things. Instead, I'd like to speculate on likely scandals that a Trump administration would have to endure.

First day in office, the Donald messes up big time when he inadvertently starts WW3 by calling North Korea's Kim Jong-Un "a little puffed-up chink."

President Trump's popularity takes a nose-dive when he alienates much of his constituency after the press reveals he's a fan of gangsta rap music, particularly Scarface and early Wu-Tang.

Our national pride is damaged after President Trump states that he's planning on renting the White House out to the highest bidder (only rich white people allowed).

President Trump's fetish for large hands is uncovered by TMZ. The celebrity news site finds thousands of photos of large-handed persons in a mansion owned by the POTUS, seemingly pawed and crinkled by the tiny mitts of the Donald.

President Trump actually shoots someone on 5th avenue, just like he said he could. Unfortunately for him, the victim is a homeless wounded veteran, leading to a wide-scale rebellion of the military, resulting in a military coup.

Unfamiliar with internet etiquette, President Trump gets embroiled in a flame war with the hacker collective Anonymous. The Pentagon's computers go awol after a massive denial of service attack and Trump decides to end it all by launching our entire nuclear arsenal at every country in existence.

Trump starts WW3 after Putin gives him a dirty look.

Trump alienates Germany after complaining about the size of Chancellor Merkel's breasts.

Aliens make first-contact with the United States. President Trump states that "he wants to build a sky-wall to keep them from stealing American jobs," which pisses the aliens off. They decide to not share their hyperdrive technology and earth is cut off from the rest of the universe.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe comes to an abrupt end after President Trump seizes control of Disney, having decided that the supervillian Thanos is "Too similar to myself."

Mass resignations occur after the media discovers that Trump's entire cabinet is composed of former Ku Klux Klan members.

Was it murder? Was it assassination? No one cares! The reign of terror ends after President Trump chokes to death on a pretzel in full view of a dozen people.

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