- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Feeling Safe Is the Most Important Thing in the World
It's a dangerous world out there, people. There are terrorist cells everywhere. Home-invaders, drug-dealers, religious radicals. Cat-people. Hell, the cats themselves are huge these days. There's a big one that prowls my block, has to weigh at least twenty pounds. You should see the grin on the thing. I swear it has teeth like the Cheshire cat. One of these days it's going to try to break into my house and I'll be prepared. Always be prepared for some unlikely hypothetical scenario, people. Like giant man-eating cats breaking into your house.
Because there are so many things for us to be afraid of, it is important that we feel safe in these troubling times. In fact, it's the most important thing in the world. That's why when I go on an airplane I prefer to feel the reassuring hand of Uncle Sam up my ass to make sure that I don't harm myself or anyone else. Of course, the PC Democrats want to frisk grandmas to make sure no one feels like they're being racially-profiled. Whatever, jackasses. President Trump will put in end to all of that shit. He's going to make us feel safer than we ever have before.
You know why I have an AR-15? It's because guns don't kill people; mother-fucking bullets do. I don't know what that means but it sounded good when I said it. You know there's a infinitesimal chance that a terrorist cell could decide to break into my compound and take my entire family of dogs and Fat Heads hostage. It's fucking possible, asshole. That's why I need a semiautomatic rifle, along with my AK-47, a rocket launcher, twenty hand grenades, and an uzi (don't tell anyone! It's not registered!). Also, bigfoot could turn violent and try to rape me. That's why I need a large-caliber weapon. To prevent rape by sasquatch.
It's my god-given right to be prepared for any situation, don't try to tell me otherwise. Read the Second Amendment to the Constitution, pinkos. I'm pretty sure it states that we can have all the guns we want. Hell, if they ever start selling hand-held nuclear missile launchers, I want one. I'm sure the founding fathers intended us to have all the guns in existence. Back then, you were more likely to blow off your hand than actually hit anything with a rifle, but hey, they had no idea how much technology would improve. They weren't magical sorcerers, no matter what the history books say.
Really, it doesn't matter how many people die as a result of our freedom to bear whatever arms we please. It doesn't matter that it's incredibly easy for any wackjob to get a gun. Hell, a whole classroom of children were murdered a couple years ago and nobody gave a shit. It's because we have a gun culture. We solve problems with guns. We create problems with guns. We need these guns because we're afraid of everything.
I'm fucking terrified of everything and I need my arsenal to feel safe, goddamn it. That's all that really matters.