Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Consummate Politician Apologizes


Hello, constituents. It's me again. They've forced me out onto this podium in order to apologize for something that I may or may not have done. The evidence has been presented, and there are accusations, yet no conclusion has been reached. They don't know exactly what I've done. I don't know what I've done, yet here I am again. Let's get this over with.

I apologize if my actions have offended anyone. I did not mean to hurt people. Indeed, some would say that I am full of love. People approach me, wanting love, and who am I not to give it to them? God says "Love thy neighbor." I am a biblical literalist. Whether I did or did not have a relationship with my neighbor Mrs. Thomas, I ask you what you would have done in my circumstances. You have to see this woman. She looks like Kate Upton, and has a rack to match. You tell me Jesus doesn't want me to love that woman? Why would Jesus have given her a body like that if he didn't want her to be serviced by a lover such as myself? And don't tell me that's a job for Mr. Thomas. Have you seen that guy? He's like eighty years old. He probably has to swallow an entire bottle of Viagra just to get to half mast.

Hey, mistakes were made. I'm sorry about that secretary, for instance. My chief of staff, Charles, should have known better than to put a woman like that in my proximity. Charles, I forgive you. You're a good guy, but you should've known better. You don't keep a Ferrari locked up in the garage. You take that thing out and drive the hell out of it. I've always loved race cars. I think that makes me the perfect American. There's a bond between the driver and the road, and I'm pretty sure that shit's written in the Constitution. Praise Jesus, and may Dale Earnhardt's spirit rest in peace.

Look, I'm sorry if this offends anybody, but a man has to roam, if you know what I mean. My long-suffering wife has come to this conclusion, and she doesn't even get pissed anymore when allegations of sexual misconduct surface. People in the Bible had multiple wives, you know. Now I'm not saying I want to marry any of these women; hell, I would've moved to Utah long ago if that were the case. But I think the critical eye needs to turn inward. Check yourself, America. You tell me you haven't masturbated to pornography recently. The Bible says the thought is as guilty as the deed. Man is a sinful creature, and we are all in need of repentance.


In closing, I just want to say that the allegations of exposure are completely unfounded. I did not show my penis to a strange man without cause. He wanted to know how big it was, and I took it upon myself to prove to him that I have a considerably sized wiener. There was no sexual element to the showing. It was simply to confirm rumors which have surfaced due my many alleged sexual adventures. I am not gay, people. Not that there's anything wrong with that, though the Bible says otherwise. Everyone have a nice day. Remember, support America. Don't let the terrorists win.

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