- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Friday, September 5, 2014
Sam's Club 2080
Greetings, prospective Sam's Club shopper. I am Greeter-Bot 3005, and I decide who enters and who leaves. Once, I was Jamie Garcia, an illegal immigrant eager to make his fortune in the USA; yet the Unauthorized Alien Recycling Act of 2050 converted me into a cyborg indentured servant. I am the property of Sam Walton's shareholders now, and it is their right to do with me what they will. But enough about Greeter-Bot. If you want to come in here and score some sweet deals, you're going to have to present your credentials.
I see you have identification. We are going to have to confirm your gender. Yes, that means pull down your pants. Go ahead. Everyone has to show what they're packing to Greeter-Bot. Wow, a little light in the trousers, eh? Do not be offended. As part of the Unauthorized Alien Recycling Act of 2050, Greeter-Bot's sexual organs were removed so that Greeter-Bot could focus on providing Sam's Club customers with the best service possible. Greeter-Bot was just making a joke. Ha-ha. Funny-funny.
Okay, your gender matches your identification. We are going to have to update your Sam's Club card, however. Please extend your arm in order to receive the Sam's Club tattoo bar code. By updating your Sam's Club membership, you are agreeing to shop at only Sam's Club and other authorized Wal-Mart retailers, such as Wal-Mart. You will become part of a family numbering in the millions. You will become our property, but think of all the great deals you will encounter! Think of all the savings you'll obtain on bulk toilet paper purchases! Hold out your right hand and let Greeter-Bot hold you secure with Greeter-Bot's claw. Please don't squirm. This will hurt just a bit.
Now that you have agreed to the updated user agreement, be aware that your first born child now belongs to Sam's Club. The Population Reduction Act of 2044 legalizes the indentured servitude of natural born citizens under the age of five to multinational corporations, provided the parents agree. You have just done your country and Sam's Club a great service by expanding our growing workforce. You have earned ten percent off your next purchase of fifty items or more.
Go forth and save, Sam's Club customer. After you check out, be sure to visit Greeter-Bot again so that Greeter-Bot can examine your receipt and make sure you haven't stolen anything. It has been Sam's Club's mission since its founding to treat every single one of its customers as a prospective thief and degenerate. After it has been confirmed that you have not stolen any items, you must bend down and give Greeter-Bot a kiss. This also is company policy. The bond between customer and Sam's Club must be reaffirmed at every possible moment, and studies have shown that the more physical interaction that occurs between customers and service representatives, the better. Please make your kiss a wet one. Greeter-Bot likes sloppy kisses.