Saturday, May 31, 2014

Ask a Meathead: Conan Brothers Q&A

As if we needed more proof that Seth Green sucks, turns out he is a brony. Ladies and gentlemen, hide your children's toys. And your children.

MyLittleHorsey asks "Is it okay that I'm a brony? I don't see anything wrong with it."

Dave: He doesn't see anything wrong with obsessing over anthropomorphized animated ponies?

Arnold: The only cartoon person it is okay to masturbate to is Jessica Rabbit, you fucking deviant.

Dave: He didn't say anything about masturbating to My Little Pony.

Arnold: He didn't have to. Read in-between the lines, Dave.

Dave: The fact that "brony" is even a word speaks volumes about the Millennials. Worst. Generation. Ever.

Arnold: We're Millennials, Dave.

Dave: We're the last of a dying breed of American men. We pick up heavy shit, we chase skirts, we say what we want, and we beat the shit out of anyone who wants to rumble.

Arnold: I couldn't have said it better myself, brotha.
 
...

ISquatMountains69 asks "Low-bar or high-bar squat?"

Dave: High-bar.

Arnold: It doesn't fucking matter. Like a couple of inches and a more horizontal torso makes the movement that different. The high-bar is a more quad dominant squat, the low-bar more hips. You will grow either way. Most people asking this question probably can't squat double bodyweight.

Dave: That's a good point. The internet makes everyone an expert.

Arnold: But don't be fooled. We are experts.

Dave: 32 inch thighs don't lie.

Arnold: You don't have 32 inch thighs.

Dave: Well, not right now, but that's because I'm cutting.

Arnold: Christ. Next question.
 
...
 
Jabroni183 asks "Is the bench press overrated? I suck at bench. What should I be doing instead?"

Dave: It is overrated in that everybody in the gym bench presses, usually with poor form, while neglecting just about every other muscle group besides arms.

Arnold: I would say it is probably the best upper body exercise. It builds the pecs, the front delts, and the triceps, yet it neglects the rest of the deltoids and puts the internal shoulder musculature in a vulnerable position, since the scapulas are pinned against the bench. Therefore, you need to do some overhead pressing and upper back work to ensure you don't develop muscle imbalances.

Dave: I like the standing press, because I'm old school. A man should be able to military press his bodyweight for reps.

Arnold: There's a symbiotic relationship between the two. Each helps the other.

Dave: Symbiotic? What are we talking about, Venom from Spider-Man?

Arnold: The word works, smart-ass.
...
 The Terminator built himself some big ol' man boobies with the bench. Be like Arnold.

ReeferMadness asks "Weed or beer? Do either interfere with my gains?"

Dave: Not if you take enough steroids.

Arnold: We do not condone the use of performance enhancing drugs, except for diabol, tren, HGH, amphetamines, cocaine...

Dave: Hey, we don't do coke.

Arnold: Yeah, not regularly.

Dave: A couple beers on the weekend is fine, but if you're passing out drunk every night, and you're not twenty-five or under, it's going to be hard to gain muscle mass.

Arnold: Weed is estrogenic, just like every product you use.

Dave: I can lift drunk. It's fun. I can't lift stoned. You'll fucking kill yourself.

Arnold: You are dumber while stoned.

Dave: You're a caveman, but not in the "I'm gonna club myself a cave-woman and drag her back to my cave," cool way.

Arnold: I like how you just revealed how much of a perv you are.

Dave: We're all perverts, Arnold. Inside our heads.

Arnold: Did Confucius say that?

Dave: No, but he wishes he did.

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