Friday, May 30, 2014

Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to Hunting Bigfoot

He looks harmless, but don't be fooled. Those pouty lips hide razor-sharp fangs.

Gordy Weaver here, president of the Hillsdale Paranormal Society, world-renowned and getting even more famous. I'm going to share some of my knowledge with you regarding one of America's fastest-growing hobbies: Bigfoot hunting. Like glue-sniffing and playing with fire, Bigfoot hunting should really be left to the experts such as myself. We have training and ways of obtaining info that most people dream about. These tips I'm going to share with you, I didn't just hop on google and copy a bunch of bullshit. I've been out in the field with my homies, camping under trees, smearing myself in bacon grease and cow shit (secret tip: Bigfoot loves bacon grease and cow shit), and doing just about anything to catch a glimpse of this mythological beastie. If you've got the guts, the glory, and the cajones, well then, by all means, read the knowledge bombs below and become informed. Then, just maybe, you'll be ready to tackle the Sasquatch (secret tip: don't tackle a Sasquatch. They are built, and will pile-drive your ass into the ground).
Tip numero uno: Don't be a pussy. So you're out in the field, tasting scat, trying to get a gauge on how fresh that shit is, when all of sudden you turn around and a four-hundred pound 'squatch is behind you, giving you that "I'm going to fuck you up" look. You initial reaction might be to panic and tear ass outta there. DON'T DO THAT. 'Squatches are alpha predators, and an alpha predator's first instinct is to chase the running pussy. STAND YOUR GROUND. If you have mace (and you should), whip that shit out and start growling and hurling obscenities. Bigfoot has sensitive ears, believe it or not, and he'll chicken out if you make him know you are for real. If he takes a step forward, mace the son of a bitch, then high-tail it outta there (but don't forget to snap a photo. For science).
Hardcore tip numero dos: Always bring a solid bro. The worst thing you can do is try to tackle (DON'T TACKLE BIGFOOT) a 'squatch alone. The second worst thing you can do is bring a not-so-solid bro along. A solid bro is the type of dude who will not go chicken shit when things go all Jesse Ventura on your ass. Bigfoot ain't playin' around. He doesn't want to be found, and if you find him, he will not be happy. Don't believe all the hippies shouting about love and Jesus and mother nature; Bigfoot is a killer, and he will kill you if you ain't surrounded by a solid bro. Strength in numbers and all.
 This isn't relevant, but how awesome would Harry Potter been if Rambo had played Harry instead of Daniel "I lay with horses" Radcliffe?

Laying down the knowledge numero tres: Bring a hot chick with you. Bigfoot is like any other dude: he's looking to procreate, and sometimes he likes his ladies a little exotic, in other words, HUMAN. You don't even have to tell the chick you're going 'squatching. Just insinuate that you and your bro would like her to join you on a little camping get-away. Don't be all full on creeper, though. You tell some random girl that you and your buddy want her to come with you to a secluded area, she's probably going to think you're Ted Bundy and your bro's Ted Bundy's perverted bro. Try to keep it platonic, is what I'm saying. DO YOU GET WHAT I AM SAYING?

Last tip, numero four: Make sure to pack some good beer. Bigfoot is a connoisseur. He don't like no shit beer. Leave the Natty Light and Milwaukee's Best at home for your hood rats and second class bros. Spend top dollar on Yuengling or at least Michelob. Bigfoot, being a senseless monster, cannot brew his own beer, though I'm pretty sure me and my boy Art saw him trying to make a still out of cardboard and a truck frame. It didn't turn out so well, as you might have imagined. Open a can of beer and place it on a tree stump and lie in wait. Bigfoot will come. He has to get his drink on like anybody else.


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