I hate fast food, but every once in a while I am forced to eat it at gunpoint, so in the interest of helping my fellow man, I decided to compile a definitive ranking of all the fast food restaurants in my area based on a totally arbitrary scale of my own creation. You're welcome, America. Choose wisely.
McDonalds: Ah, the golden arches. A signal to all Americans that inside lies dehydrated semi-beef patties, soggy french fries, Coca-Cola products, and surprisingly good coffee. The best thing to eat at McDonalds is the breakfast sandwiches, particularly the abomination known as the McGriddle, which seems like something a rotund child concocted. "Why yes I'd love to eat a sausage patty enclosed by two pancakes!" you say, licking your copious chops. I feel ya, brother. McGriddle me too.
Ranking: Four sugar-coated McGriddles out of a possible six and a half.
Wendy's: Finally, some good food! Wendy's is probably my fast food restaurant of choice. The burgers at least resemble burgers, albeit soggy and covered with too much pseudo-cheese. The last time I took my kids to Wendy's, they wouldn't stop pressing the buttons on the automatic soda dispensers, so we'll never go to Wendy's again, but at least I'll have the memories of over-priced, almost-burgers.
Ranking: One Spicy Chicken Sandwich (worth at least ten quarter pounders from McDonalds).
Burger King: Ah, the sewer king. The closest Burger King to my house always has smoke rising from its roof like it's barely containing a grease fire, and it's probably been robbed about ten times. About five years ago, my dad bought me a Whopper. I took one bite of it, spit it out, and threw the rest of it on the ground, where I stomped that poison back into the earth from which it came. They used to have good fries about fifteen years ago, before they changed to match McDonalds. More like Booger King, am I right?
Ranking: Ten piles of hobo shit out of a possible ten.
Taco Bell: You know, the most charming thing about Taco Bell is that they have never, ever gotten my order right. If I order two taco supremes and a chalupa, I'll get half a taco full of pubes and a Mexican pizza. It's like playing the lottery: you're always surprised and you always lose.
Ranking: Fifty dollars out of whatever is in your wallet (This shit is expensive!)
KFC: The Colonel, baby! When I die, I hope Backyard Orchard turns my corpse into a literal cartoon character! Still, that chicken is crazy good, right? Too bad all the sides will make you into a Hutt with type-2 Diabeetus. What's that pumping through your veins? It ain't blood. That's the Colonel's gravy.
Ranking: A bucket of chicken torn from Buckethead's head.
Skyline: You ain't a true Cincinnatian if you don't sometimes get an inexplicable craving for canned hobo shit poured over spaghetti, topped with an entire bag of shredded cheese. As you consume a Skyline coney, you can almost feel it coming out of you as you eat it. Kinda psycho-sexual, eh? Just try not to poop your pants. You can't do it. You just can't do it.
Ranking: Four sloppy poops in the toilet, and one super-sloppy dump right in your breeches.
Subway: Subway is about the only restaurant in Rising Sun, so I am often forced to eat there, much to my chagrin. Its chicken tastes like rubbery tofu, and its roast beef looks like it was scavenged from a cadaver. The vegetables are purchased past their expiration date, and the bread isn't technically bread. Every time I purchase Subway, I know it will be terrible, and yet I'm always disappointed. That should be their new slogan: Subway--what disappointment tastes like. Also--remember Jared? Subway doesn't want you to remember, but here at Pointless Venture, we never forget.
Ranking: Disappointment.
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